


Dear Diary

by Ohmystydiaheart



Category: Stydia - Fandom, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Couple!Stydia, F/F, F/M, He doesn't want to forget, I'm sorry but I had to do it, Lydia is Ariel and Stiles is Eric, Sciles, Sorry Not Sorry, Stiles and Scott's Friendship, Stiles keeps a diary, Stiles loves Lydia, Tears, and I will never get over it, because I miss her, but Stydia all the way, dear diary, jealous!Lydia, mentions of Allison, minor Stalia, no matter what
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 17:14:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2515478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohmystydiaheart/pseuds/Ohmystydiaheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles doesn't want to forget. So he keeps a diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is the first chapter of my new stydia multi-chapter fanfiction. This is something I wanted to try, I already have chapters two and three ready, so let me know if you want to read them! Hope you like this :)  
> Let me know what you think and follow me on Tumblr (ohmystydiaheart).  
> Thank you always for the support, love you :)  
> xxx- Giorgia

October 14th, 2014  
The sun shines bright in Beacon Hills and Stiles is more handsome than ever.

Hey Diary,

Oh my god this is so silly. Why am I even doing this. I feel like a thirteen years old girl. Fuck it, who cares. I’m doing this. Yup, I’m doing this.

Ok, let me introduce myself now: my name is Stiles.  
No wait, that's not my name. That's just a nickname everybody uses. Nobody knows my real name, except for my father, who is the sheriff of Beacon Hills, and my best friend Scott. I personally don’t like it as it reminds me of my mother, who died a few years ago. But I don’t want to talk about it. Happy things, right? I have to talk about happy things. That was what the psychologist I went to after my mother died told me to do _: focus on the good things in life_.   
So, for now, just call me Stiles.

As I was saying, I live in Beacon Hills, a small town in northern California and I..yeah let's say I like it. You probably wouldn't, but I do. I was born here and this is my reality.   
I would like tell you about my friends now, so that when I write about them you know who I’m talking about. Oh my god, I'm _so_ excited about this! _So excited._ Let's start.  
My _best friend_ is Scott McCall, we've known each other since forever and he is my brother. Well not _literally_ , unfortunately. Anyways, he knows everything about me and so do I about him. You will love Scott, trust me.   
Allison Argent was my one of the sweetest and more caring friend anyone could ask for. And if she knew I was writing this story she would be so proud of me. She always believed in me, and I just loved this about her. Such a good person. I miss her every day, but I know she's always watching and checking on us. She was Scott first (and let me say it, _only_ ) love.   
Derek Hale, oh my dear Derek, you should see him! Always pretending that he doesn't give a shit about anyone's feelings, but we all know he's good and sweet and human. Well, not really human, but we’ll get to that later.  
AAAAAND finally, Lydia Martin: I wish I could tell you more but then I'm afraid you would start to love her and I would get jealous. Let's just say that Lydia is the love of my life. I’ve been in love with her since the third grade. She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent (she’s a certified genius, actually), she’s brave and she will be mine someday. I have this 10 year plan you know, to get her to fall in love with me. You will love Lydia but keep your hands in your pockets, dear diary.  
What I haven't told you, my friends, is that I'm the only human here. You must be confused now, but don't worry I'll explain everything.

I belong to a pack. Yup, not a group of friends, A PACK. Because, you know, wolves hunt in packs and my best friend happens to be a wolf. Actually, a werewolf. Surprised? I was too, when I first found out!  
It's not just him though, Derek's also a werewolf, he used to be the Alpha (the pack leader) but then, after an unfortunate series of events, Scott took his place. Scott is what we call a True Alpha. He gained his status just like that, because he simply has what it takes, I guess.  
Allison was a werewolf hunter. And she was _sooo_ good at that. If I close my eyes, I can still see her running through the woods with her bow in hand. When we found out who she was she had just started dating Scott. Ah, that was fun! For me at least, not for them. Her dad grew to accept it though. Too bad her aunt was a psychotic bitch that tried to kill Scott multiple times. We got rid of her..actually Peter (Derek’s uncle) did, but still.  
Lydia is a banshee. What the fuck is a banshee, you are probably wondering, well I can't tell you. We are still trying to figure it out. For now, let's say we know she is strongly related to death. She can feel it. And it's horrible. Whenever someone dies or is about to die, she screams so loud she could break glass. And then she just finds the bodies. We're still working on it, but I know, I am sure, she will be able to control her power and she will save lives. Because she is so smart. And so beautiful. You can't even imagine how beautiful she is, and how good she smells….okay, back to the topic.  
So basically that's it, I am the only human here and I have to fight for my life more than anyone else.  
But I'm cool with it, because I have amazing friends that would do anything to protect me and a father that knows everything about this supernatural world we are living in and it's okay with it. And also I’m in the lacrosse team so, you know, I’m pretty fit (yeah, right)!   
Apart from all of that, I try to lead a normal life. I go to Beacon Hills High School and I would like to go to college one day and to work for the FBI. Solving crimes is what I do best and I would _loooove_ to make a living out of it, like my dad. Plus, I could move to a bigger city and live there with Lydia, who will be the most famous mathematician of the world.  
The reason I have decided to start writing a diary is that I don’t want to forget. If something happens to me one day, the same thing that happened to my mum, I want to be able to remember everything. So I’m writing everything down. Plus, if I’m lucky and I don’t get sick, it would still be fun to go back and read all the stupid things that I wrote, right?

Okay, this is it for today I guess. Talk to you tomorrow!

Stiles


	2. Dear Diary, I just came back from a party.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia invites Scott and Stiles to a party because she wants to intoduce the guys to the new girl in school, Malia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is the second chapter of "Dear Diary". Hope you enjoy. I'm sorry for all the Stalia but I had to do it. But don't worry, it will be over soon. A loooooooot of angst and fluff coming up :)  
> Let me know what you think!  
> xxxxxxxxxx - Giorgia

15th October  
The moon shines bright and Stiles is still handsome

Hey you, I just came back from a _paaartey_! You won’t believe what happened. Okay let’s start from the very beginning.

I was at school ( _obviously_ ) this morning and I was talking to Scott (big news, right?). Anyways, Lydia walks up to us and asks us if we have plans for the night because she’s thinking about hitting this club downtown. You know, dear diary, even though I’m now friends with Lydia, every time she speaks to me my heart skips a beat. That is weird because I’m actually used to her right now, it’s not like she ignores me like she used to do: we hang out almost every day, we have study sessions together in the library or at my place and we seat at the same table in the cafeteria. I guess we’ll never know the reason for that.

Okay, let’s not lose our focus here. So Lydia asks us if we want to go to this party because there is this new girl in school and she wants us to get to know her. Her name is Malia, she doesn’t have friends and she wants to help her out. We (Scott and I) look at each other and decide to go. Lydia is happy and she smiles, and I’m suddenly happier because she is smiling. Dear diary, I don’t mean to sound creepy, but this girl actually has the most beautiful smile in the world.

Anyway, after school I hang out for a bit at Scott’s. We do our homework for Monday (I HATE to work on Saturdays and Sundays so I always do it on Friday afternoon) and then, of course, we start talking about girls. We never do it. Like never. Maybe some times, but just when we’re drunk. Maybe even when we’re sober. Fuck this, we talk about girls everyday because we’re boys, and we are 17. I like girls, especially if they are 5’3 and strawberry blond. So I talk about them, and about her. Scott keeps telling me that I should stop thinking about her, that I should find someone else, someone who actually likes me _that way._ He says that it’s too late for me because Lydia has already _friend-zoned_ me. I know he’s probably right and it hurts a bit. But I’m no coward, my ten year plan is still running and I’m almost there (only two more years to go) so I won’t give up now. Not after all this time.

So it’s like seven o’clock and I head home to have dinner with my dad and get ready for the party. It must be clear to my father that I’m excited, because he looks at him in a weird way and keeps smiling. So I ask him “why are you smiling” and he says “I know how it feels to be 17, have a crush on someone and go to a party hoping to see her” and I think I blush but I’m not sure because I try to hide it. Sometimes I forget that my father once was a teenager,  I guess we all do. But yeah, well. _Sooooo_ , I have dinner with my dad, I do the dishes and run up to my room to take a quick shower and get dressed. I don’t know what to wear so I just stare at my wardrobe for 15 minutes trying to decide whether I should wear a t-shirt or a plaid or both and, again, I feel like a thirteen years old girl. Of course eventually I decide to wear both, with dark jeans and my usual Adidas.

I take the keys to my jeep and I drive to Scott’s, pick him up and we head together to the club, which is in the city centre. I text Lydia and tell her that we’re on our way, she texts me back “I’m already here. Call me when you get to the club and I will pick you up at the door”. I smile and Scott laughs at me because “you are so in love with this girl it’s ridiculous. Get over it, stiles!” and I’m like “blablabla”. So we get to this party and we meet Lydia at the entrance: she’s wearing this amazing green dress that matches perfectly with her eyes and it’s very short and I can see her legs. Oh god her legs. But I try not to stare since, you know, it’s not nice to stare at your friend’s legs but I find it pretty hard not to. Lydia is with this girl and she introduces us to her: she’s Malia, she’s our age and she is beautiful. Tall, kinda blond, beautiful smile. We talk to her for 5 minutes before hitting the bar and she doesn’t seem very smart but I guess maybe she’s just drunk so I don’t really care.

We reach the bar and the place is CROWDED, no kidding, and we are all touching each other because there is not enough room for everyone. So I’m at the bar and as I try to catch the bartender’s attention I have Lydia on my right side and Malia on my left side and I think “wow, pretty lucky night” and then I think “yeah keep dreaming, Stiles”. So Malia seems interested in me, we talk a lot, she’s quite funny and we end up having our drinks sitting at a table. I don’t know where Scott is, Lydia is talking to this guy WHO I DON’T KNOW, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY BY THE WAY, so I decide to actually keep attention to what this new girls is saying. After about 30 minutes I buy two more drinks, one for me and one for Malia. We keep talking and I’m actually having fun.

She suddenly stands up, takes my hand and drags me to the dance floor. We start to dance and MAN, SHE’S A GOOD DANCER. I suck at it but she does all the work. Now she’s close to me, our faces only a few inches apart and I don’t really know what’s going in on because this is not me, I don’t make out with girls I don’t know and not in the middle of the dance floor. But suddenly it is exactly what I’m doing, I’M KISSING THIS GIRL. LIKE KISSING. TONGUE. As I realize it I break the kiss and look into her eyes: she’s smiling and I guess I just smile back because I don’t know what a person is supposed to do in this kind of situations.

I look around and I know that deep down I’m looking for Lydia but I feel bad because I just kissed a girl and I’M ACTUALLY STILL HOLDING HER. But my eyes find Lydia and she’s looking at me, too. Still with this guy, but looking at me. She doesn’t smile, she just stares and after a few seconds she goes back to talking to him (still don’t know who the fuck he is). At the same time Scott arrives, tells me it’s time to go because that he has to work at the clinic in the morning. I don’t really want to leave the party but I do anyways. I say goodbye to Malia and she kisses me. AGAIN. ON THE LIPS. NO TONGUE THIS TIME. Scott’s eyes are wide as fuck and he probably can’t believe what he’s seeing. Malia says “I’ll see you on Monday” and I say something like “sure, see you at school” and we head to the exit. I want to say goodbye to Lydia, who is still talking to that fucker but Scott keeps saying that it’s super late and blablabla.

I’m home now, and I still have to realize that I made out with a girl tonight. And she is beautiful! And funny! But I didn’t get to say goodbye to Lydia. That is rude. I should text her, like to say goodbye. YES I’M DOING IT. I’M DOING IT.

DONE.

“hey Lydia, sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. Scott was in a hurry to go home because he has to work tomorrow morning. Thank you for inviting us tonight, I had a lot of fun! Goodnight”

 RIDICULOUS. 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Goodnight,

P.S!! Lydia just texted me back: “Yeah, I noticed you were having fun. Don’t worry. Goodnight”. I don’t really know how to interpret this message but I guess it’s okay.  


	3. Dear Diary, I have a date tonight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles goes on a date but things don't exactly go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! Ok, here's the third chapter of Dear Diary! It has some Stalia in it but it's not that bad, plus you get Jealous!Lydia :)  
> Stydia coming soon!!  
> Let me know what you think,  
> Love you!! xxxx  
> Giorgia

October 18th  
It’s raining here in BH, but Stiles is as handsome as ever.

Hey diary!  
Sorry I didn’t get to write during the weekend but I have been very busy and now I’m going to explain to you why. First things first (I’m the realest), _god I’m so funny,_ I must tell you that tonight I have a date. Yup, you heard me, diary. A DATE! You might be wandering who with and the answer is Malia, the girl I kissed at that party a couple of nights ago.

Okay let me tell you everything: this morning I went to school and I was a bit nervous to meet her because, you know, I don’t really know how to act around girls I kissed before at parties. That’s probably because I don’t kiss girls at parties, nor they kiss me. So I get to school and I’m talking to Scott (who btw kissed Kira, _have I told you about Kira? I don’t think I have! I will, promise. She’s so sweet and so good for Scotty)_ and we’re heading to class.

Suddenly someone taps on my shoulder and guess who it is: Lydia, and she looks pissed. I don’t really know what to say because once again I don’t know what I did wrong so I just decide to make some jokes to lighten the mood. She keeps staring at me and suddenly she’s all like “cut it, Stilinski. I have a message for you, and it’s from Malia. I don’t even know why she asked me to do this but since she couldn’t be at school today, she told me to give this to you. I guess it’s her phone number”. And with that she just storms away and leaves me standing there with this piece of paper in my hand.

I really don’t get why Lydia is angry, it’s not like Malia asked her to give me the moon, it’s just a piece of paper and she was going to see me at school anyways. I don’t know. But still. So I’m standing in the middle of the hallway with this piece of paper in my hand, I open it and here’s what’s written on it.

“ _Hey handsome ;) here’s my phone number, give me a call. Xxxx Malia_ ”

Oh, and of course there’s her phone number on it. For a moment there I think it’s pretty weird, this note thing I mean. She could have just asked for my number and texted me. But that doesn’t really make any difference to me. I save her number on my phone and head to class. When I enter the room I notice that the only seat available is the one right next to Lydia so I take it. She’s too concentrated on the lecture to notice and keeps taking notes without ever looking up.

I really want and _need_ to know what’s bothering her. I try to catch her attention but she keeps writing and writing and I’m dying to know what’s in her head. She’s wearing a blue dress with red little flowers on it and brown high-heeled shoes. Her hair is up in a messy bun and her lips are red. I know I sound like a creep every time I describe what she’s wearing but I really want to remember EVERYTHING. And she’s beautiful and I like beautiful things. Not that she’s a thing. She’s a person, an amazing one to be honest. And she’s beautiful. And I’m bantering about her again. Big news.

Anyway I write a little note and throw it on her desk:

“ _What’s wrong Lydia? Everything okay?_ ”

She opens it, reads it and puts it in her bag. Then she goes back to taking notes, just like that. Does she even know that I can see her? I decide to write her another message.

“ _You know I can see you, right? Are you mad at me for some reason? Because I think you are, and I would like to know why”_

Once again, she reads it and puts it her bag. She doesn’t even look at me. I give up, I don’t want to bother her but now it’s me who is bothered and all I think about is that I must have done something wrong. I can’t seem to come up with anything but I guess that must be the reason Lydia is angry at me.

When the bell rings, she stands up and LITERALLY runs out of class. I try to follow her but then the exit is crowded and once I get out of the classroom she’s nowhere to be seen. I look around, I go to her locker but she’s not there. I take my phone from my pocket and text her: “Lydia, I know something’s up. You can stop avoiding me because it’s not like I haven’t noticed. Please call me.”

After texting Lydia, I remember that I now have Malia’s phone number. I don’t want to call her, I wouldn’t really know what to say to her but it seems rude not to say anything since she obviously knows that I have her number. So I text her: “Hey Malia! Lydia gave me your number. School was boring today, you didn’t miss out on anything. Hope you feel better (If that’s the reason you didn’t come today). Oh, I’m Stiles btw”. I click the send button and I put my phone back in my pocket. I wait for Scott outside and we drive home together with my jeep. When we arrive at my place, Lydia still hasn’t replied to my text. Malia, on the other hand, has.

“Hey handsome. Don’t worry, I’m not ill, I just didn’t feel like going to school today. I was supposed to hang out with Lydia tonight but she cancelled on me, that means I’m free as a bird and I was wandering if you would like to do something together? Xxxxx”  

I look at the screen and I can’t quite believe that she basically asked me out on a date. I tell Scott and he’s all like “ooooh, finally. Please go out with this girl, let’s see if you can finally stop thinking about Lydia” but the fact is that even while I talk about Malia, I’m still thinking about Lydia. How sad am I? I know I’m pretty sad. I have to stop doing this, thinking about Lydia all the time. Like, I really have to stop. So I decide that _fuck it,_ I will go on  a date with Malia. Who cares. I will go out with this girl who is beautiful and, most of all, seems to care enough to _at least_ text me back. Lydia still hasn’t, btw. Nice, Lydia, very nice. Thank you.

So I text Malia saying that of course I would like to do something together tonight and now I’m in my room literally FREAKING OUT because I don’t know where to take her and I wish that Scott could come with us so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. That’s not possible though. Fuck. Where am I going to take her? Help me please, diary! Maybe I should take her to the movies. Yeah, a movie sounds great. I’m going to take a shower now, It’s 5.40 and I’m supposed to pick her up at 7.30.

I’ll talk to you later,   
Stiles

P.S. Lydia still hasn’t called me. But I’m not thinking about her. NO WAY.

UPDATE:

Hey diary, I just came home from my “date” with Malia. When I told her I was going to take her to the movies she said that she didn’t want to do that. So I was like “ok, we can do something else then” and she was like: “yeah let’s go have some food and then we can go back to my place” and I was like “uh, your place..okay we can do that”. So we did, we went to the diner and I had curly fries and she  had a milkshake. Then she told me “let’s go” and I was like  “okay, let’s go”. So when we arrive at her place she tells me to wait for her in the living room and she comes back after a few minutes with two glasses and a bottle of wine.

So we start drinking and then she is all over me and we are making out on her couch and for a moment there I imagine that it is Lydia who I’m kissing but I take that thought and throw it away, because that’s not a very nice thing to do, to kiss a girl and think about another one. Even if she’s the love of your life. So, back to the topic, my hands are on Malia’s hips but she takes them and put them on her boobs. Yep, I touched Malia’s boobs. But then I realize that this is supposed to be my first date with this girl and I don’t want to have sex with her on our first date. I try to stop her but SERIOUSLY, DIARY, I can’t! I tell her that maybe we should take it slow, that I don’t want to rush things and blablabla and she just wouldn’t listen. So I have to get up from the couch and she stares at me and this is how it goes:

M:  “What are you doing? Come back here  
S:  “No, Malia, I’m sorry. I don’t think this is the right moment”  
M: “Well then you can go”  
S:  “Are you serious? You want me to go because I won’t have sex with you on our first date?”  
M: “Oh my god, you thought this was a date? If this was a date I would have let you take me to the movies. This was not a date. This was just something I wanted to do since Friday night, I always want to finish what I start.”  
S: “So, wait a minute, let me get this straight: you asked me out tonight only because you wanted to have sex with me. Is that right?”  
M: “Yeah, that’s it. I thought you were okay with it?”  
S: “And where did you get that from? I’m sorry, I can’t do this. You are very, very attractive but I’m just not that kind of guy. I guess I’ll just leave”  
M: “Yes, please. And don’t forget to close the door”.

You heard me, diary. THIS IS HOW MY FUCKING DATE WENT. And now I’m here feeling SO STUPID because I actually thought she was interested in me. Well, actually she was, just not in the way I hoped. GOD I’M SO STUPID. SO STUPID. Scott is going to fucking hear me as soon as he picks up his phone. Fuck you, Scott! “blablabla go out with her, blablabla so you will forget about Lydia blablabla” NO I WON’T FORGET ABOUT LYDIA BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS SCOTTY!! YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT IF YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE IT TAKES MORE THAN A DATE WITH SOME RANDOM GIRL TO GET OVER HER!

Fuck my life. Fuck it. Fuck it fuck it fuck it.

I’m going to bed. Not thinking about Lydia. Why isn’t she calling me. I hate that she does this things to me without even noticing. It’s not fair. I do not deserve all of this.

Goodnight, this time for real.

Stiles

Who am I kidding, it’s 10 pm, no way I’m falling asleep now.

 


	4. Dear Diary, I tried.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles confronts Lydia. It doesn't go too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys! Here's chapter 4 of Dear Diary!  
> I must warn you, before you start reading. There's a lot of angst and a few tears are shed.   
> Hope you enjoy it! I know it's a slow burning story but believe me when I say you won't be disappointed.  
> Please let me know what you think AND, if you have any suggestion for how the story should continue, I could use a little help! Tell me how you would like the next chapters to be :)  
> Love you always,   
> Giorgia  
> xxxxxxx

October 20th

Dear Diary,

life sucks. IT REALLY DOES. I spent the last two days walking around Beacon Hills like a zombie and wondering whether I should just give up on everything. I haven’t seen Lydia at school for the last two days, I tried to call her again but still no answers. I texted her again to ask her if she was ill or something, if she needed me to go over and bring her something but NOTHING.

I tried  to ask Kira if she knew something but she told me she didn’t. She was lying, it was _so obvious_. So I’m angry at her right now. Scott told me that she saw Lydia yesterday but that she wouldn’t tell him anything about it. God I hate everyone. I don’t want to call Lydia again because I don’t want to bother her too much but at the same time I think I deserve to know. I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING.

I need to get ready for school now, I’ll talk to you later.

Stiles

* * *

 

UPDATE:

Hey diary,

good news is that Lydia was at school today, bad news is that she’s clearly avoiding me. I arrive at school today and guess who I am talking to – Scott – and suddenly he’s like “look who’s back”, I turn around and I see Lydia walking down the hallway. I immediately notice that she looks different. She’s wearing jeans (first time in my life I see her wearing jeans, I didn’t even know she owned any) and a purple t-shirt. She has her hair down and she’s wearing no makeup. Needless to say, she looks beautiful anyways. She’s walking and she’s looking at the floor and I wish she would look at me. She takes a few steps more and finally looks up but as soon as she sees me and Scott, she turns around and enters the first room she finds on her way. So I start walking in her direction because I WANT AND I NEED TO KNOW why she’s acting like that, but Scott stops me and tells me that we should get to class and I should leave Lydia alone. I try to say that I want to talk to her and find out what’s wrong with her but we all know how strong werewolves are so…

I don’t see Lydia for the rest of the day.

When the last bell rings I run to the parking lot to see if I can catch her there but she’s, once again, nowhere to be seen. That is when I decide that enough is enough. After 15 minutes I’m standing in front of Lydia’s house. I’m about to knock on her door but suddenly the door opens and Mrs. Martin appears. She’s like “hey Stiles, what are you doing here?” and I’m like “Oh hey Mrs. Martin, I’m here to see Lydia”.

And then it happens: “Lydia is not home right now, she went out for coffee with Marcus”.

………

………

WHO

THE

FUCK

IS

MARCUS.

Who the fuck is this guy? Is he the one she was talking to at the party? Are you fucking kidding me? This can’t be real. I ask Mrs. Martin if I can wait for Lydia to come back and she’s okay with it, so she says goodbye and let me in and she tells me that Lydia should be back in less than an hour. So I’m sitting in Lydia Martin’s living room, alone in the house. I decide to call Scott because I’m starting to freaking out: Scott picks up and he’s like “hey dude, where are you?”, I tell him where I am and he’s like “Why stiles why? Can’t you just let it go?” and I’m like “fuck you Scott, I need to know and I deserve to know and you know that. And since neither you nor your girlfriend want to tell me what’s up, I will have to find out myself”.

So I wait, and I wait, and I wait some more. I start walking around in the house and I find myself in Lydia’s room. It seems so familiar to me, after all the study sessions we had here. I remember falling asleep at the foot of the bed after a 8 hour straight chemistry session and waking up in the morning, having breakfast together with Lydia and then drive together to school. And now she won’t even talk to me or return my calls. This sucks and it needs to stop.

Her room is full of clothes and books. I sit at her desk and go through all her calculus manuals which, by the way, I don’t understand. Lydia is seriously a genius. So I’m browsing through her books and I find this little notebook, it’s in green leather and I know I shouldn’t but I open it anyway. The first page says “Lydia’s”, the second one starts with “Dear diary”. Okay, I realize that by now I should have closed it and put it down but it’s not that easy. And I know I’m invading her privacy and this is NOT  something you do. NEVER. But I’m seriously dying to know what her thoughts are and I need to know why the fuck she’s mad at me. So I do it. And I’m not proud of it but I can’t help myself. I go straight to the last page and here’s what she wrote:

_October 19 th_

_Dear diary,_

_I hate my life. I miss Allison. I want her to be here with me. I NEED her to be here with me because what I’m feeling is new for me and I know she’s the only person in the world I would want to talk about it to. I miss her every day, today more than ever. I know she would tell me to do it and not to let the fear of getting hurt stop me. I know that’s what she would say. But the fear is too strong, and I can’t do anything about it._

_I’m going out with Marcus tomorrow. He called me yesterday and told me he had fun with me at the party and that he wanted to get to know me better. I don’t want him to get to know me. I don’t want anyone to get to know me. Because everyone I let in always leave. People always leave. First Allison, and now Stiles._

And I can’t believe what I’m reading and I want to know more but then I hear the door open and I close the diary and put it back on her desk. I stand up and go sit on Lydia’s bed, waiting for her to enter the room. When she finally does, she doesn’t look surprised. She doesn’t smile, she doesn’t say a word. She just put her bag down, take off her coat and sit next to me. She’s silent and she’s not looking at me, she’s looking down at her feet. We sit in silence for a few minutes but it’s not awkward, it’s comfortable. But then I remember that I am there for a reason, and then I remember what I just read on her diary and words just start flowing from my mouth.

“I would never leave you”

She doesn’t say anything.

“And I never did”

Still silent.

“Please Lydia, talk to me”

She finally looks up and I can see tears forming in her eyes. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She closes it.

“Talk to me”

“What are you doing here, Stiles? What do you want from me?”

“I want to know why you have been avoiding me for the past few days. I deserve an answer, don’t you think?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you Stiles. I just didn’t feel like talking to you.”

“And why is that? What have I done?”

“You have done nothing wrong, Stiles. I just don’t want to talk to you right now. Why can’t you accept that?”

“Because that’s not normal Lydia! We were good on Friday, then we go this party and suddenly you don’t want to be my friend anymore? Does this sound normal to you?”

“It doesn’t have to be normal, that’s just the way it is.”

“Well I’m not in for that! You can’t just stop talking to me and then tell me that I should just accept it. I am a person and I have feelings, you know”

“Well I have feelings, too. But you didn’t seem to care too much about it, am I right?”

“Lydia, for god’s sake, what the hell are you talking about?”

At this point I’m extremely confused and I’m losing my shit because how can she think that I don’t take her feelings into consideration, how can she think about me that way. She’s clearly about to cry and I don’t want to make her cry but I’m feeling slightly offended and also a bit angry.

Then she speaks again: “I thought you liked me.”

And I think what the fuck are you saying Lydia, of course I like you, how can you doubt that.

“I do like you Lydia. What made you think that I didn’t?”

“Please, Stiles. Please leave me alone. I just want to be by myself right now”

“No, Lydia, I won’t leave until you tell me what’s going on! What can I do to make it better?”

“GO AWAY, STILES!”

She looks into my eyes, tears are streaming down her face and I’m speechless. I stand up and head to the door, but just before opening it I realize that yes, she might be hurt and yes, maybe that’s my fault, even if I don’t know why. But that doesn’t mean that she can treat me this way.

“Stop being so selfish Lydia. If I have done something wrong, just tell me. I deserve to know. If I haven’t, please let me help you. We can make it right”

“Leave me alone”. Now her voice is just a whisper and she’s, once again, looking at the floor.

So I do, I leave her alone. I close the door behind my back and I drive home.

I won’t call her again, I won’t text her. I won’t talk to her when I see her at school, I won’t ask her how she’s doing. If she wants to talk to me, then I will listen. If she doesn’t, then I’ll just forget about her. Maybe Scott was right. I shouldn’t have gone to her house today.

And now I’m texting Malia. Maybe it’s not what I really want, but she’s surely is more interested in spending time with me than Lydia is. In which way, I don’t mind.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Stiles


	5. Dear Diary, I might be happy again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically lacrosse, mentions of Allison and a lot of Stydia feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! This is chapter 5 of Dear Diary. Since I kept you waiting for a little bit more than usual, I made this chapter longer than the others. A lot of things happen, GET READY FOR SOME SERIOUS STYDIA FEELS!  
> In this chapter you'll get a lacrosse game, mentions of Allison and a Stydia hug. The next one will be even better ;)  
> Hope you like it! If you do, please don't forget to leave kudos and comment it with with suggestions for the next chapters.  
> Love you!  
> xxx- Giorgia

October 22nd  
Today the sun shines a little brighter.

Dear Diary,  
we won our first lacrosse game last night! It was amazing! I even scored twice. NOT ONE, TWICE! Am I or am I not the best lacrosse player in the world? I GUESS I AM!! Let me tell you how the day went because there are a lot of things I want to write down.

So remember how last time I promised I was never going to talk to Lydia again UNLESS she wanted to talk to me first? And remember how I texted Malia that night? Here is how things went.

After I text Malia, I lie on my bed waiting for an answer. The moment my phone rings I’m already regretting everything: why have I texted her? What an horrible person I am. Anyway, it’s not like I had asked her to meet me in a dirty motel and have all the sex of the world, I just asked her if she wanted to grab a bite somewhere. I actually just needed to talk to someone, and since my usual someones are Lydia and Scott (and I was angry at both of them) the first person that came up in my mind was Malia.

So she texts me back and tells me that she can meet me at the coffee house but that she doesn’t have much time because she’s seeing her other friends later on but who cares. So I get to the coffee house and she’s already there waiting for me: I sit down in front of her and I don’t know why but she looks suspicious.

“Hey Malia. How are you?

“I’m good Stiles, thank you, but please get to the point. Why did you want to see me?”

“Uhm okay, I just wanted to hang out for a bit, things like that, no particular reason”

“Is this about Lydia?”

At this point I’m very confused because there is no way she knows about the argument Lydia and I just had. She’s not that close to Lydia so I don’t think she told her, and I most definitely didn’t. So I start to think that maybe there is something else I don’t know and I surely do want to know. I decide to play dumb and see where this goes.

“Uhm..I don’t think I know what you are talking about, Malia”

“Please Stiles, I’m not stupid. I know she’s mad at you and that maybe you asked me out to get distracted. And trust me, I’m okay with it! But please, tell me first so that I know, at least.”

“Malia, trust me, I have no idea. Well, I know Lydia is angry at me in some way but I don’t know why! I tried to ask her but she wouldn’t tell me. And I guess you are right, maybe I just wanted to talk to someone to stop thinking about her and you are the first person I called. I’m sorry, I totally understand if you want to leave”

“Stiles, don’t worry about it, okay? And stop worrying about Lydia, too.  Besides, she hasn’t texted me back for the past few days and she won’t pick up her phone when I try to ring her, so I guess she’s just going through a hard time. But it’s no one’s fault”

“Look, Malia, I know you and Lydia are not that close yet but _we are_ and seriously I don’t understand why she won’t open up to me like she used to do. I just don’t get it. We are friends for god’s sake. I want to know what’s going on with her. I need to know. But I promised myself I wasn’t going to talk to her unless she wanted to talk to me first so I’m just going to wait. She will come around sooner or later.”

“Whatever Stiles. Just stop whining because that’s very unattractive. I have to go now, I’m meeting with some friends from school. Goodbye Stiles. Oh and get some sleep, you look terrible”

“Thank you Malia, always a lady! See you tomorrow at school”.

So I go back home more confused than ever, because now I know that Lydia isn’t talking to Malia, too. So I start wondering if maybe there’s some kind of connection there and I spend the rest of the night laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I can’t sleep and my mind keeps running everywhere, I start to think about the most impossible things and then I remember what I read on Lydia’s diary.

_People always leave. First Allison, and now Stiles._

I would never leave Lydia. I never did. And I never will.  
Why would she think that? When did I give her the impression that I was going to leave her? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I finally manage to fall asleep and when I wake up there’s the sun shining in my face. I get up and head downstairs to have breakfast with my dad which is already dressed and ready to go to work.

“Are you excited for the big game tonight?”

“Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot about it. But hey, super excited”

“You don’t sound really excited, Stiles. Is everything okay? You have been acting weirdly in the past couple of days, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah dad, everything good. Go or you’re going to be late for work”

My dad leaves and I eat my pancakes quickly, it’s already 8.10 and school starts at 8.30. Guess someone’s going to arrive late today. When I get there, Scott is waiting for me outside: he doesn’t really care about being late to class. He asks me if everything’s good, if I have talked to Lydia, if I’m excited for the game. And I would like to tell him that NO everything’s not good, NO I haven’t spoken to Lydia and NO I’m not excited for this fucking game because my life sucks. But he looks like a puppy, so happy and kind, that I decide not to ruin his day. So I pretend to be fine and play excited, even if I’m not.

The rest of the day goes by pretty slowly. School is boring and I only see Lydia once, when she’s walking to the library and I’m heading to the locker room. She doesn’t see me. I have to fight the urge to run up to her and shout in her face that I will never, EVER, leave her. Not even in a fucking million years. But I do fight this urge, because I made a promise to myself and I’m sick of begging. If she doesn’t want to talk to me, than I will respect that but BE SURE I won’t make the first move. EVER AGAIN.

So, as I was saying, I’m heading to the last lacrosse practice before the game and while I change in the locker room Scott starts talking again about how excited he is and then he’s like

“Do you remember our first game? When I was worried about controlling myself because of the full moon? How crazy is that?”

Of course I remember and it hurts a little to think about the times that was our only problem. The full moon. No killers trying to murder us, no fucking were-jaguars or berserkers. Allison was still with us, and she would always come to our games to cheer for us. And she and Lydia would be on the benches smiling every time we scored, and we would just look up at them and get lost in their eyes. I remember one time, the very first time I realized I was no longer a stranger to Lydia. She was sitting right next to my father and Scott’s mum and when I scored I turned around and found her clapping and smiling at me. That was the first time I knew that mine wasn’t just a simple crush, that it was something more. I wasn’t sure what it was back then, but _I most definitely know now_.

“Yeah, Scotty, I remember. Good times”

After the practice, in which OF COURSE I SUCKED BECAUSE MY FUCKING HEAD WASN’T IN THE GAME BUT SOMEWHERE IN THE STUPID LIBRARY, Kira runs up to Scott and places a light kiss on his lips.

“You were amazing out there. Can’t wait for tonight! Oh and Stiles, Lydia was looking for you earlier. I told her you were here but I guess she didn’t come”

And I’m like “Lydia was looking for me???? Really? When????”

“Half an hour ago, maybe? I’m not sure. Maybe she’s still in the library, I was there too, studying for the chemistry test. You should go and check there”

I know I’m pathetic but I just start running towards the library, I don’t even shower because I know she’s there and if it’s true that she was looking for me that probably means she’s ready to talk. At least that’s what I hope. So I run and I run as fast as I can but when I get to the library Lydia is not there. Of course I start saying “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK” because I can’t believe she’s gone and I was at the fucking lacrosse practice.

“Stiles?”

I turn around and there she is. I’m all sweaty and I’m pretty sure she heard me swearing like 50 times but I just can’t think right now so I walk up to her and hug her. She says “ew” and I can’t blame her because I’m disgusting right now but she doesn’t pull back from the hug and I have no intention of letting her go. After a couple of seconds I can feel her arms curling around my back and I know she’s letting go and letting me in. I’m so happy I feel like I could cry. When we break the hug I just say something stupid, as I always do because I actually am pretty stupid.

“Sooo..Kira told me you were looking for me? I was at the lacrosse practice. You know, big game tonight”

“Yeah, I noticed you’ve been practicing. You stink like hell”

“Well I didn’t have the time to shower because I came running here to see if you were still in the library”

“Yeah, okay. I’m going home now, though”

“Ehm, okay. So are you coming to the game tonight?”

“I don’t think so. I still have to finish studying and I promised my mum I would have dinner with her. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess”

“But Lydia, wait. Why were you looking for me before? Is there something you want to tell me?”

“No, it’s fine, it was something stupid. I changed my mind, don’t worry about it. See you tomorrow.”

“But Lydia, wait –”

And then she turns around and leaves. I don’t follow her because I feel like I hate her right now.  Why does she keep doing this to me. She can’t keep treating me like this. Fuck you Lydia!!! You don’t want to talk to me, I don’t want to talk to you. How does that sound, Lydia?

I don’t want to be at school anymore, so I decide to go home to shower, have dinner, lay down for an hour and then go back to school for the game, which starts at 8.30. I get on my Jeep and I’m about to leave when my phone rings. It’s Lydia. I stare at the screen in disbelief and I’m almost afraid to pick up. Of course I do it anyway because I talk a lot but at the end of day _I love this girl_ and there is no way I will ever not pick up the phone if she calls me.

“Lydia?”

“Yeah it’s me.”

Silence follows. I don’t want to be the one to speak first, so I just wait.

“I needed to talk to you today, but I chickened out when I saw you. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about your feelings, ‘cause I do. You deserve to know. Is it okay if we meet tomorrow after school? I don’t feel like coming to the game tonight. I’m sorry.”

“Yes, of course we can meet tomorrow. I’m happy you called me. Have a good night, Lydia.”

“Thank you, Stiles. And good luck for the game”

“Yeah, thank you. See you tomorrow”

And now I’m smiling and regretting everything I said before. How can I EVER hate Lydia. That is just crazy. It’s impossible to hate someone you love _this_ much.

I drive home and I take a quick shower, change and have a nice dinner with my dad. I feel relieved now, so it’s easier to talk and to get mentally ready for the game. My dad and I drive together and we say goodbye as I enter the locker room. I find Scott and I run up to him to tell him about what happened outside the library and about the phone call.

“That’s great man! So you’re gonna talk tomorrow? Is she coming to the game tonight?”

“No, she told me she had to study and have dinner with her mother”

“That’s too bad, we all know how well you play when she’s cheering for you on the benches”

“Well yeah, but I’m still a better player than you even if Lydia is not at the game”

“You wish”

And with that we walk together to the field. The other team is already warming up, so we start running around the field and stretching and when Finnstock tells me I will be first line I honestly can’t believe it. I sucked at practice. But I guess someone sucks more than I do and I’m just super excited right now. For real, this time. I high-five Scott and then we’re in the field, running around, hoping to score. I spend the majority of the time walking around because no one ever passes me the ball. I guess that’s because I am a terrible player after all. But then, I don’t even know why, the ball is in my stick and I’m running towards the goal.  No one seems to care about me, maybe they think that I will never score, they don’t even try to stop me! Who fucking cares! I’m gonna score! I will! You’ll see! You will all see! I am now in front of the goal keeper, I turn around for a second and I see three players of the other team that are now running towards me and I panic because they are a lot bigger than I am and if they get me they will probably kill me. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m paralyzed.

But suddenly I hear it.

“Shoot it! Stiles, shoot it!”

I don’t need to look up to the benches to know that Lydia is there. She’s there and she’s rooting for me.

So I shoot.

And I score.

The crowd explodes. After 5 seconds Scott is all over me and he hugs me, making me fall to the ground. In a minute I have all the team over me and I almost can’t breathe but I don’t care because I scored, we are winning and Lydia is here.

It’s when I manage to get up, that I finally look up. I see her. She’s standing next to my father and there’s an empty spot right by her other side. I know that Allison is there. I smile at Lydia and she smiles at me.

I am happy.

After 20 minutes I score another time and when the game finally ends I try to reach the benches but the rest of the team stops me. They lift me up in the air and carry me around the field. I want them to let me go because right now there’s only one thing in my mind, and it’s Lydia. I want to talk to her, I want to hug her and I want to kiss her. When they finally put me down I try to find her but she’s nowhere to be seen. I run up to my dad, who hugs me tightly and tells me he’s proud of me, I ask him where Lydia is and he tells me she’s already gone.

“She just went home, but she gave me this. She asked me to give it to you”

He hands me a piece of paper, I take it and go straight to the locker room. I want to be alone when I read it. I sit down and open it.

_You were great tonight. I am so proud of you, Stiles. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I miss you so much._

_Lydia_

I honestly feel like I could cry. She’s proud of me. She misses me. She thinks I was great tonight. When I arrive home I just fall asleep, and it’s the best sleep I got in ages.

 

SOOOOO, dear Diary, today is the big day. After school I will see Lydia and I will listen to what she has to say. At this point, I just can’t wait to know. And whatever she tells me, I’m sure that after tonight I will love her a little be more, if that’s even possible.

Talk to you later,

Stiles


	6. Dear Diary, something happened.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles is about to fall asleep when his phone rings. Guess who it is.

October 23rd

Dear Diary,

It’s 2 in the morning , so it’s actually the 24th today but whatever, and I just came back home from my afternoon with Lydia. WAIT don’t get too excited, because everything is blurry and confusing right now and I am not sure what to think. But let me get this straight: so you remember the note Lydia gave my dad after the game. Before I fall asleep I text Lydia and I say something like “I got your note. I’m so glad you came. I’ll see you tomorrow, goodnight” just because I feel like I have to tell her something since she’s probably wondering whether I got her note or not. After what feels like a month my phone finally buzzes. It’s Lydia:

_Stiles , I really want to see you_

WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT? YEAH THAT WAS MY REACTION TOO, DEAR DIARY. I HAD THE EXACT SAME REACTION.

So I’m like what does she mean, does she want me to go over, does she want to come over, maybe she’s just tired and doesn’t really know what she’s saying, maybe she just means that she wants to see me tomorrow? How the fuck am I supposed to know?! I’m sitting on my bed, biting my nails and looking around as if in my room there was something able to give me an answer. I take my phone and I tell her that I want to see her too, because that’s the most simple thing I can say, plus is the truth. I ALWAYS want to see Lydia because I love her and, you know, if you are in love I guess you always want to be around the other person? I guess? Well that’s how I feel so I tell her that I want to see her too and then she’s calling me. My phone is ringing and there’s “Lydia” written on the screen.

I pick up.

“Hey”

“Hey you. It’s me”

“Yes, I know it’s you” and I can hear her chuckle on the other side of the line.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh I was just about to fall asleep”

“Oh god I’m sorry I woke you up! Don’t worry about it! I’ll see you tomorrow”

“Lydia can you please listen to me when I speak? I said that I was about to fall asleep, not that I was sleeping. Besides, I texted you back, remember? If your text had bothered me, I wouldn’t have answered. Don’t hang up”

“Okay. So, now that you’re not sleeping, what are you planning on doing?”

“Well I don’t know, you tell me”

“Can I come over?” OOOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOD OF COURSE YOU CAN COME OVER LYDIA, I WISH YOU LIVED HERE, OF COURSE YOU CAN COME OVER. ACTUALLY, I WONDER WHY YOU’RE NOT DRIVING ALREADY!

“Uhm, sure. I would love to”. That sounded SO FAKE but who cares because Lydia is coming over and I have to clean up my room because it’s horrible in here. So I get up and I start picking up everything I find on the floor: clothes, books, whatever. Then I open the window to let some fresh air and I head downstairs. She should be here any minute now because she called me 10 minutes ago and it only takes 15 minutes for her to get to my house from hers. I open the fridge and I drink some orange juice, not because I’m thirsty but because I’m freaking out and I don’t know what to do.

My phone screen lights up. It’s a message from Lydia.

_I’m here. Let me in?_

She’s here. She’s here. SHE’S HERE. I walk to the door and open it: she’s standing outside, she looks so small I could probably fit her in my pocket. She’s wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, her hair is up in a messy bun and she’s carrying a backpack. I move slightly to let her in and when she does she goes straight upstairs to my room, so I close the door and follow her. When I get to my room, she’s sitting on my bed; I look at her and she looks at me. I smile at her and she smiles at me. I go sit next to her.

Everything is just crazy because there is no reason she’s here right now. I means, there’s a reason, she has something to tell me, but she was going to see me anyways in a few hours. Apparently, she couldn’t wait. Not that I’m complaining, not at all. Absolutely not. But it’s hard _, so hard,_ to understand this girl.

“So…” I don’t know what to say but someone has to break the ice, otherwise we’re going to spend the whole night looking at the floor.

“I am mad at you” She just blurts it out but keeps staring at her feet.

“And why is that?”

“I think you know.”

“No, I don’t. I’ve tried to find a reason why you were acting all weird but I couldn’t come up with anything. Please tell me. And please do it now, so that we can work it out and go back to normal.”

“That’s the thing, Stiles. I don’t want things to go back to normal”

Ok, what the hell Lydia. It’s been a week now, I thought we were over it since you came to the game and left me that note, and now you are here and A) you still don’t want to tell me why you are mad at me and B) you are saying that you don’t want things to go back to normal. What the hell. Like seriously Lydia, get over yourself.

“Excuse me?” I look at her because I’m more confused than ever right now but she still won’t look at me.

“Normal is not what I want with you. Not anymore.”

“So what do you want from me, Lydia?”

Silence. Lydia keeps staring at her hands and now her eyes are closed. Okay Lydia I know that I love you and that gives you the right to do basically whatever you want with me BUT PLEASE don’t you think this is enough already? Whatever you say is not going to change what I think of you or how much I love you or whether I want to have babies with you so just say it. Once for all. Just say it.

“Lydia, what do you want for me?”

This time she looks up, right into my eyes. And I see that hers are beautiful, more beautiful than ever, the most beautiful they have ever been probably.

And then, finally, she speaks.

“I want you to stop kissing girls.”

“Uhm, you mean..in general?”

“Yes, in general”

“Do you want me to kiss boys?”

“No, you idiot. I want you to stop kissing girls, in particular at parties on Friday nights.”

OKAY. HOLD ON A SECOND.

“Malia? Is it Malia you’re talking about?”

“Maybe.”

“Yes?”

“Fine, Stiles. It’s Malia. I want you to stop kissing Malia because I don’t like her that much and she doesn’t want to date you anyways, she just wants to have sex with you.”

“Yeah, I know that, thank you very much”

“You know? How would you know?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Uhm..well, I asked her out once after Friday night and I was thinking about going to the movies but she made it pretty clear she wasn’t interested in it. So we went back to her place”

“You went WHERE? Stiles? Did you have sex with her?”

“What if I did?”

“You did, didn’t you! You had sex with her! Well, good luck with your new girlfriend. Hope you two get married and have beautiful babies. I have to go now, we have school tomorrow. Goodnight Stiles.”

She gets up and she’s storming away. I can’t help but start laughing, maybe a little too loud, since she turns around and gives me this I-will-kill-you glance.

“Why are you laughing? What’s so funny, Stiles? Are you laughing because you’re happy about your new girlfriend? Then keep laughing, but please first excuse me while I leave.”

“You are jealooooouuuuus”

“I don’t think so, Stilinski”

“Yes you aaaaaaaaaare”

“Stop saying that, Stiles! I’m not jealous! I’m actually really happy for you two, I think you guys make a great couple! Goodbye, see you tomorrow at school.”

I get up from where I’m sitting on my bed and reach for her as she’s leaving. She’s facing the door and I don’t really know if she would want me to touch her but I decide to do it anyway since this situation is just too hilarious, so FUCK IT I will touch her.   
I reach for her as she’s opening the door and hug her from behind.   
She doesn’t move, she doesn’t pull away.  

“She’s not my girlfriend. I didn’t have sex with her. I don’t like her. But please, bring on the jealousy because I enjoy it”

I can hear her chuckle. I reach for her hair and move a lock behind her ear so that she can hear me properly.

“There is this other girl I like, though” I have to admit that I’m playing with her right now, I know it’s not right but after a week of being fucking miserable, just to find out that all of this was out of jealousy, gives me the right to have a little fun. And we’re still in the same position, Lydia against the door while I’m hugging her from behind. I turn her around and now we’re facing each other. We’re so close. Her hands are on my chest and mines are on her hips. SO CLOSE, DEAR DIARY, SO CLOSE. She looks into my eyes and then looks at my lips. LYDIA MARTIN LOOKS AT MY LIPS BUT I’M TRYING TO PLAY SEXY AND HARD TO GET RIGHT NOW SO I HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

I fail, miserably.

I look at her lips. Then back at her eyes. Then back at her lips.  
She closes her eyes.

“Do you like me, Lydia?”

“What do you think?”

And so I kiss her. I FUCKING KISS LYDIA MARTIN. KISS. LIPS+LIPS. TONGUE+TONGUE. Well actually there wasn’t that much tongue BUT LIPS, YEAH THERE WERE LIPS. TOGETHER. TOUCHING. SUCKING. STILES STILINSKI KISSING LYDIA MARTIN.

Stiles Stilinski kissing Lydia Martin.

Nothing else.

She says goodnight and I say goodnight and I’m too tired to keep writing because it’s super late. I realized I haven’t written anything about the afternoon we spent together but I’m in need of some serious sleep and even though there’s no school tomorrow I need to rest.   
I’ll write the rest tomorrow.

Goodnight dear Diary,

Stiles (who kissed Lydia)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and if you did, please give me feedbacks!  
> I'm running out of ideas, so PLEASE, if you have any suggestions I would very happily welcome them!  
> thank you for reading,  
> xxxx  
> Giorgia


	7. Dear Diary, she is amazing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles and Lydia spend the afternoon together. However, Stiles kind of panics.

October 24th

Dear Diary,

here I am and ready to tell you about my afternoon with Lydia. So, after the kiss. I wake up in the morning and I’m so happy but at the same time confused because, you know, I kissed Lydia and Lydia kissed me but now I don’t know how to act around her anymore. Like, what should I do when I see her at school? Kiss her? Act like nothing happened last night? Should I tell Scott or does she want to keep it secret? Is she ashamed of me? Of course I’m bantering because why would Lydia feel ashamed of me, I mean, she knows I love her and that I would do anything for her if she asked me to but maybe she doesn’t want to be seen around with stupid Stiles? Stupid Stiles who is not that hot nor cool? I don’t know, I think that maybe I should just wait and see how it goes. So I have breakfast with my dad and drive to school.

As soon as I arrive, I see Scott in the parking lot and as I greet him I REALLY WANT to tell him everything, and he looks at me weirdly, maybe he knows? Maybe  he can smell Lydia all over me? Why didn’t I take a shower this morning? He asks me if everything is good and I tell him “yeah, everything’s great” and he starts asking questions like “what did you do last night?” and GODDAMNIT SCOTT! WHY CAN YOU READ ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK? I try to play cool but I know he knows and he wants me to tell him, sometimes it’s so hard to have a best friend that is also a werewolf.

So I have all these thoughts running around in my head and suddenly I see her. She’s jumping out of her car and when she sees us she starts walking in our direction. It must be obvious to Scott now, since I’m basically sweating and my breath is so heavy I’m probably going to die soon. He looks at me once more, then he looks at Lydia, he says good morning to her and walks away.

So Lydia and I are alone in the parking lot and I really don’t know what to tell her, I just stare at her and it must be a little weird for her.

“Good morning Stiles. You can close your mouth now or you’re gonna catch a fly”

Typical Lydia.

“Good morning to you too, Lydia. Did you sleep well?”

“Actually, I did. Best sleep in ages.”

“ Listen Stiles, we need to talk.”

Okay, now, EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THOSE FOUR WORDS MEAN, RIGHT?

WE NEED TO TALK.

WE. NEED. TO. TALK.

Okay, so Lydia wants to break up with me before anything actually started. She’s done already. She doesn’t want to be with me. Fuck all of this.

“Really, Lydia? Already? Don’t you think you should at least try something before saying you’re not interested in it? Fuck, Lydia. You told me you liked me. And not that much time ago, I’m pretty sure it was like 10 hours ago? And now you need to talk? Look, I’m okay with whatever you decide, but at least be honest with yourself before playing with others’ feelings. Now, if you excuse me, there is a class I need to attend”

“We have first period together, Stiles”

“I don’t care. Goodbye”

I turn around and I basically start running because I don’t want to see her and I want to be as far as possible from her. Once again I feel like I could hate her, if only I wasn’t so desperately in love with her.   
Why does this happen to me? Who have I hurt in my previous life? Why can’t I be with the girl I like and love like a normal teenager, and why can’t she love me back? I don’t want to think about her, I want to forget her, I want to be with someone who actually care about me. I WANT TO FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HER AND I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW BECAUSE THIS IS KILLING ME.

And as if this was not enough, I have AP Calculus now. YAY! A BIG THUMB UP FOR LIFE!

As I’m about to enter the class, Lydia runs up to me and slaps me in the face. SHE FUCKING SLAPS ME. IN THE FACE. HARD.

“You are fucking stupid Stiles!”

“EXCUSE ME?! Am I stupid, Lydia? AM I?”

“YES, YOU ARE!”

“AM I???”

We are now shouting right in the middle of the hallway and I hope no one (except for all the supernatural creatures aka Scott) hears us, detention is really the last thing I need right now.

“You got it all wrong! I was only going to ask you what you wanted to do today because I had a few options in mind but if you think I’m that kind of girl, Stiles, then you can go fuck yourself! I don’t want to be with you right now, not today, not ever!”

FUUUUUUCK. Okay, Diary, my bad. I know. I know. Now she’s walking away and I know I need to do something right now or she will be gone and there is no way she’s going to want to talk to me later. I must act now.

“Lydia, wait!”

“No Stiles, leave me alone!” She doesn’t even look back, she just keeps walking (and she walks really fast for being a 5.3’) so I have to run to keep up with her and when I finally get to her I reach for her arm.

“I’m sorry Lydia. I’m really sorry. Of course I don’t think you’re that kind of girl, I was just scared you were going to say you regretted coming to my place last night. I’m sorry, really. Can you forgive me?”

“Why would you think that, Stiles?”

“I don’t know, because you’re Lydia Martin and I’m Stiles Stilinski, I guess”

“So what? You don’t like our names together? What are you saying, Stiles?”

“You know what I mean, Lydia. You’re you, amazing, beautiful and incredibly smart. And I’m just stupid Stiles, who sucks at lacrosse and is just good at researching stuff.”

“Stiles, you must listen to me now because I won’t say it twice. Don’t you dare saying these things again when I’m around. I don’t want to hear it. Ever again. Am I clear?”

“Yes ma’am”

“Good. Now that we’ve made this point clear, let’s go back to the topic. What would you like to do after school? I was thinking that maybe you could come to my place so we can study a bit and then I don’t know, maybe watch a  movie and order pizza? Or play Scrubble? What do you say?”

I want to say that this sounds like the best plan in the world and that it’s something I wish I could do every day but I want to keep it cool so I’m just like “Yeah, sounds like a plan” and I smile at her. She smiles back at me and plants a light kiss on my cheek. I start singing in my head HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IIIIIIS WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WOOOOORLD but I’m interrupted by Lydia’s hand reaching for mine.

“Shall we go to class now?”

“Yes. And Lydia, is it okay if I tell Scott? I really want to tell Scott”

“Of course you can tell him, he’s your best friend”

YAY!

The rest of day goes by pretty slowly because all I do is shiver in anticipation for my afternoon with Lydia. So when the last bell rings I literally run to the parking lot and wait for her there. When she arrives we decide to take the jeep and drive together to her place.

Mrs. Martin is not at home, so we have the place for ourselves. Before going upstairs to her room to study, we have a snack in the kitchen and we just talk and talk about everything. It’s not weird, even if this is basically our first date, it’s all very comfortable. We are best friends already, we don’t need to do all that kind of small talks typical of first dates. We already know each other too well.

So after we eat our sandwiches we go upstairs, we sit on her bed and she takes out her stuff from her bag. But before we hit the books I see her smiling.

“What is it?”

“I can’t believe how stupid you were today. How could you even think that I didn’t want to see you when it’s pretty clear that I’m crazy about you”

LYDIA MARTIN, CRAZY ABOUT STILES STILINSKI. YOU HEARD ME, MY DEAR DIARY. SHE IS CRAZY ABOUT THIS HANDOME BOY OVER HERE.

Of course I can’t stop smiling and I know how cheesy this sounds but I just say this back: “I’m crazy about you, too. Actually, more than crazy. And I’m sorry for today, it’s just that this looks like a dream”.

“Don’t ever doubt yourself, Stiles. Please, I’m serious. You are one amazing human being. You are smart, and funny, and I must say, pretty hot.”

Then she kisses me but this time is different. She wants me , and I want her and we want each other so bad that we forget about the chemistry books and about all the supernatural and about everything else. We just kiss and while we kiss we lay down. And I can feel her breathing inside of me, with her hands running through my hair and we’re so close, dear Diary, so close..

BUT I’M A FUCKING VIRGIN.

YES I SAID IT. I’M A VIRGIN. NEVER HAD SEX. WISH I HAD, THOUGH.

Because if I had, now I would be able to give Lydia what she wants. But I can’t, because I’m too nervous and I know that she’s done it before. I don’t know with how many guys, but I’m sure about Jackson and Aiden and here comes the insecure Stiles, once again. Because, let’s be honest. Have you seen me, dear Diary? I don’t have that kind of body, and I’m not good at moving around. I’m not even good at walking for fuck’s sake. Every time I walk through a door I have to be careful and not hit it.

So I’m panicking, yes I’m panicking because I really want this, TRUST ME I REALLY, INCREDIBLY WANT THIS, and I can feel that she wants this too, but I can’t.

I pull away from the kiss and the hug and everything else and I get up from the bed.

“I can’t do this Lydia. I can’t”

“What do you mean you can’t Stiles. What can’t you do?”

“THIS, LYDIA. The sex thing. I can’t”

“Stiles. Come back here, please. Sit down”

But I don’t want to sit down, I just want to leave. Because if I sit down then I will have to tell her that I’m a virgin and that I don’t know how to make love to her. And maybe she already knows but I’m embarrassed and I hate myself for this. Because she deserves to be loved in every possible way a woman must be loved and I can’t give this to her.

“I’m sorry Lydia, but I have to go.”

“What are you talking about Stiles! Don’t go. Stay here with me, we don’t have to do anything, we’ll study. We’ll study for the test tomorrow. Please don’t go.”

“I can’t be here right now Lydia, I’m sorry”

“What is it? You are not attracted to me? Is there something wrong with me?”

And I think that she’s crazy because it’s so obvious that I’m attracted to her, my behaviour shows it and MY BODY SHOWS IT PRETTY CLEARLY, and she’s so beautiful you have no idea what I’d do to her. Like, everything you can imagine, I would do to Lydia. Everything. And she’s so stupid for even thinking that she’s not attractive.

“Oh my god Lydia, no. Trust me, there’s nothing I want more than do it with you. But I can’t. I literally can’t. I’m unable to do it. It would be terrible and you would feel bad and I don’t want this to happen.”

“Stiles. Listen to me. There is no way you’re unable to do it. You are just nervous and trust me, I’m nervous too! I like you so much, this is new for me! But if you don’t want to, if you want to wait, if you don’t feel like doing it, I understand. We don’t have to do anything. We’ll wait and when we’re ready we will do it.”

“It’s not that Lydia. I’m ready. I want to do it. I don’t want to wait. But I can’t”

And then I understand that I have to tell her, that it’s not fair to leave her without an explanation.

“I’ve never done it before, Lydia. I’m a seventeen year old virgin. You got me.”

She looks up at me, right into my eyes and she gets up. She walks up to me, never breaking the eye contact and when she reaches me, she takes my hands. So I look down, because I’m pretty sure I’m blushing out of shame and I don’t want her to see. I stare at our hands, at our fingers intertwined and then she speaks:

“Look at me, Stiles. I don’t care. And the fact that I have done it before doesn’t mean this isn’t new for me, too. With Jackson and Aiden it was different. It never was this intense. I never wanted it this much. Because I know that with you, sex isn’t everything. We have so much more, you and I. You are my best friend and I know that, when we decide to do it, whenever you’re ready, it’s going to be amazing. Amazing, Stiles. Please, look at me”

I finally look up at her and I feel like I’m gonna cry because her eyes are watery and her lips are trembling.

“I like you _so much_ , Stiles. I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone this much. And I will wait for you, for how long it takes. I don’t care. But you have to believe me when I say that when the moment comes, I will be just as nervous as you. And I will wish that I never did it before. I will wish that that time, with you, was my first time.”

 FUCK MY LIFE I LOVE THIS GIRL. I LOVE HER AND I’M GONNA MARRY HER NO MATTER WHAT. THIS IS THE WOMAN I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH.

I kiss her deeply, because words are not enough to explain how I feel after this declaration. I wish I could tell her that I love her with all my heart and soul but I don’t want to put her in an uncomfortable position where she can’t say it back yet. I don’t think she’s there yet, but I don’t care. Because we’re working on it, and one day she will love me just as much as I love her.

She kisses me back and when she pulls away she smiles fondly.

“Sooooo....let’s study chemistry!”

We laugh together and go back to her bed.

We spend the rest of the afternoon reading, studying and occasionally kissing and smiling at each other. And I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life. Because now we have no secrets, and I will make it. I will make her feel like the most important and beautiful girl in the world.

So here I am now, researching on Google things like “how to give a girl an orgasm” and things like that. You know, dear Diary, I wanna be prepared ;)

I won’t see her over the weekend because she’s out of town with her mother. I’ll see her again on Monday at school. Can’t wait. How cheesy is that if I text her and tell her that I miss her already? A lot? Who cares, I’m doing it. Click. Sent!

Goodnight, dear Diary. I’m so, so, so happy.

Stiles

Ps. She texted me back. Maybe it _was_ a little too cheesy since she wrote “ _Oh my god Stiles, you saw me yesterday. Miss you, too :)_ ”

LOVE HER.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So this was chapter 7 of Dear Diary. Hope you liked it! If you did, please leave feedbacks and comment suggesting new ideas for the next chapters.  
> How many more chapters would you like me to write? Do you think this story is getting boring?   
> Love you!  
> Giorgia xxxx


	8. Dear Diary, I'm done.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson is back in town. Stiles is looking for Lydia and finds her with Jackson in the locker room. He runs away.

October 28th

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I didn’t get to write anything during the weekend but I decided that I was going to spend some quality time with my best friend Scott and my dad. It was actually a pretty nice weekend and I had a lot of fun. Oh and I told Scott everything about me and Lydia and at first he was like “Stiles are you sure, because you know that you already got your heart broken multiple times, are you sure you wanna risk this” but after I told him all the things Lydia had told me, he was happy. Well, why wouldn’t he be. He’s my best friend and he loves me. So we spent the weekend eating, watching Star Wars and playing with his Xbox, nothing special but I really needed this. I’m more relaxed now and I have all the energy to handle this school week. PLUUUUS, yesterday Lydia came back from her trip with her mother so I’m seeing her tonight. Yay! I have to get ready to go to school, I’ll tell you anything as soon as I have time.

Bye Diary!

Stiles

 

UPDATE: 

Hey Diary.

Guess whose life sucks? Yeah, right. Mine. I was so stupid. So stupid to think that I was finally going to be happy. That I finally got what I wanted. I’m so fucking stupid. Of course I don’t deserve to be happy, let alone to be with someone like Lydia. It’s been like what, 4 days? Lydia and I have been “together” for 4 days. I guess it’s too long for some people.

Guess who’s back in town, Diary. Let’s see if you can guess it since my life is basically ruined by this huge event and I’m here now, in my bedroom  losing my fucking mind because of it.

Jackson.   
Jackson _Fucking_ Whittemore.   
Jackson _I’m An Idiot  And I treat people like shit_ Whittemore.   
Jackson _I Dated Lydia For Ages And I Left Her Breaking Her Heart_ Whittemore.

So I guess you can understand now why I’m saying that my life is fucking ruined. Because he’s back, and he came to school today and as I was looking for Lydia to tell her welcome back (god I’m so stupid) I saw her in the locker room with him. And they were TOO FUCKING close. I can’t believe how much my life sucks. He left two years ago and he has to come back NOW? FUCKING NOW? Now that Lydia and I are finally together after I pined after her for the past 8 years? Are you fucking kidding me, world? Are you serious?

So let me explain exactly how it went because I’m already crying so there is no point in trying to avoid it. I will write everything down so that next time I think about Lydia I can come back and read this, and  remember how shitty I’m feeling.

So I’m in school and I’m so excited that I’m about to see Lydia. God I feel so stupid even writing this down. So I’m in AP History waiting for the bell to ring and I’m shivering in anticipation, I feel like a 8 years old on Christmas. When the bell finally rings I literally run out of class and start looking for Lydia but she is nowhere to be found, so I ask Scott if she has seen her but he says no. I text her to let her know that I will be in the cafeteria waiting for her so that we can have lunch together, but she doesn’t text back NOR she shows up. So I’m starting to be a little bit worried because, you know, we live in Beacon Hills and we all know that we can’t afford to get distracted. Thoughts start flowing in my mind and I’m already thinking that maybe someone has kidnapped her (a little dramatic, I know, but whatever) and I’m freaking out. Scott tells me to relax and that she’s probably hanging out in the library studying and that there is no reception there, so maybe that’s why she’s not answering her phone.

I refuse to think that she’s avoiding me, because she told me she really liked me and I believe her. I don’t want to play insecure once again. So I just let that thought slip away and I go to the library to see if I can find her there. And I can’t. I ask the librarian if she has seen Lydia (they are basically best friends since Lydia goes to the library every day to study) and she tells me that the last time she saw her she was going to have lunch in the cafeteria. That is where I was a minute ago. And Lydia wasn’t there.

Panic. I need to breathe and I need to do it right, otherwise I’m just gonna fall to the ground and I won’t be able to help Lydia, wherever she is. I stop for a minute and try to breathe regularly and, as soon as I feel my legs again, I start running around school calling out for her.

And then I hear it. Jackson’s voice. Coming from the locker room.

Diary, I want to be honest with you. When I heard his voice, I immediately thought about Lydia. I knew she was with him. And this is not because I don’t trust her, it’s just that I know how much she loved him and how hard it was for her when he left to go to England. She was desperate. And I guess that deep down inside of me I always knew that she would go back to him whenever he decided to come back. And that’s what happened. I guess I’m not that stupid after all.

So I follow Jackson’s voice, and now I can hear Lydia’s too. She doesn’t sound upset. It sounds like she’s laughing. And I don’t know if I want to see this, if I want to hear more of it, but my legs are walking towards the locker room and I can’t stop them. So I get there and I look inside. And there they are. Lydia and Jackson. Jackson and Lydia. Talking and smiling, standing a little too close to each other. Like, very close. Closer than a normal conversation between ex lovers allows. Closer than the typical conversation “oh hey, you’re back! How have you been?” “Everything’s great, how are you?” requires. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t. I feel like my eyes are bleeding, like I’m dying. It feels like I’m fucking dying. So I run. And I run as fast as I can. I reach my Jeep and I drive home because I’M FUCKING DONE with all of this. I have to stop putting myself out there for other people to like me. I’m so tired, dear Diary. I got screwed, once again. Once again I thought it was finally my time to be happy, but no. NOT THIS FUCKING TIME.

I’m here now, and I feel so small and stupid.

I just want cry. Which is basically what I’ve been doing all afternoon. I’m so stupid and I’m also a baby. Wow, Stiles, very nice.

I think I’m just gonna head to bed. I doubt I will fall asleep anytime soon. But whatever. I was supposed to be with Lydia at the moment. Watching tv, cuddling, kissing, maybe even having sex. But I guess my virginity will have to be patient and hang in there for a little bit more. Wonderful.  Instead of laying in bed with Lydia I will lay down by myself, as always.

GOD I’M SO FUCKING STUPID, I’M DISGUSTING. ALWAYS WHINING ABOUT HER. ALWAYS THINKING I’M NOT ENOUGH FOR HER, I DON’T DESERVE HER. MAYBE SHE DOESN’T DESERVE ME.

Goodnight,

Okay so I checked my phone before going to bed and guess what, Lydia tried to call me like 15 times and also texted me. Last text was about 10 minutes ago and it says “ _what the fuck Stiles? Are you seriously not answering your phone? You better be dead because if you’re not I’m gonna kill you as soon as I get to your house. I’m on my way.”_

Well I guess she’s coming over. I don’t care. I’m not letting her in, I’m going to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! What did you think of the chapter? I followed the suggestion of one of you who asked me to bring Jackson back. So, here he is, and with him came a lot of angst!  
> Hope you liked it, let me know!  
> xxxx  
> Giorgia


	9. Dear Diary, I'm taken.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles confronts Lydia about Jackson. They fall asleep together as boyfriend and girlfriend.

October 29th

Dear Diary,

as you already know, Lydia came to my house last night. I was already in bed and I had no intention of letting her in, but she started to knock on the door and call out for me so loud that my dad got up and opened the door. She soon was in my room and this is what happened:

I am in bed, right? Of course I’m not sleeping because I’ve been crying for the past 8 hours and I can’t fall asleep. When she opens the door to my room I don’t move, I stay in bed and just look at her. She looks furious and I would like to tell her that she has no right to be furious since I AM THE ONE who found her with her ex boyfriend, not the other way around. So she looks furious and she actually is furious, since she starts slapping me saying “Where the fuck have you been? I’ve called you like 100 times. I was worried like hell, Stilinski! Stupid! Stupid!” and she keeps punching and slapping me. At this point I get up and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is “Don’t touch me. Don’t you dare touch me”.

She stops and just stares at me. Her eyes are wide open as she looks at me in disbelief.

“What the hell, Stiles? What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you pick up your phone? We were supposed to see each other 2 hours ago!”  
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe I didn’t want to talk to you! Does this sound like a good reason?”  
“Okay Stiles, I’m sorry but I’m not following you. What the fuck?”  
“Why are you here anyways, shouldn’t you be with your ex, or maybe I should say new, boyfriend?”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“CUT THE SHIT, LYDIA! I saw you, okay? Today at school, in the locker room with fucking Jackson! STOP LYING TO ME!”

Lydia doesn’t say anything.

“Oh, now you got nothing to say? Really? Go away Lydia, leave me alone.”  
“NO I WON’T GO! Let me explain.”  
“I don’t want to hear it, Lydia. I’m tired. I had a terrible day and I just want to sleep. Leave me alone, this is the last thing I’m going to ask you.”

Her eyes are now watery and her lips are trembling. She looks down at the floor while tears escape her eyes.

“Please Stiles, give me the chance to explain what happened. It’s not what you think.” Now she’s just whispering and her voice is shaking. It kills me to see her that way but the only thing I can think of is that she deserves it. And I’m not even sorry, dear Diary. I’m not even sorry because she did this to herself, she had the opportunity to be with me and I was going to give her everything, EVERYTHING that I could. But she chose to go back to him.

“Close the door on your way out.”

And with that, I lay on my bed a turn the light off. I don’t know what happens next because when I wake up it’s 4 in the morning and Lydia is not there. Of course she’s not. I toss and turn in my bed trying to fall asleep again but I can’t seem to be able to. I decide to go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. So I get up and walk downstairs, open the fridge and take out a bottle of water.

“Stiles?”

“WHAT THE FUCK – ”

“It’s me Stiles! It’s me!”

It’s Lydia.

“What the hell, Lydia? You are going to give a heart-attack. What are you still doing here? I thought I told you to go home.”  
“I know, Stiles. I know. But I won’t go until you let me explain.”  
“So did you stay here the all time? Did you sleep?”  
“No, I just sat on the couch. I tried to study but then I turned the lights off because I didn’t want to scare you or your dad”  
“Well, that worked out.”

Lydia smiles and I force myself not to.

“Can we talk? Please?”  
“I wasn’t going to sleep anyways.”

So we sit at the kitchen table, and she starts to speak.

“It’s true, Stiles. I was with Jackson today. He arrived in Beacon Hills yesterday and he texted me. I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t want to freak you out because nothing was going to happen anyway. I want to be honest with you, Stiles. I wanted to see him. He’s been such an important part of my life for such a long time. When he left me to go to England I was devastated. So when he texted me I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it. And I wanted to talk to him, to see if he had changed and to ask him about Europe. I know, I should have told you I know, but really, I didn’t want anything to happen.”

At this point I’m basically dead inside. Lydia wanted to see him, she wanted to talk to him. I guess that’s reasonable, but still. She continues:

“So he arrives at school right before lunch time. He hadn’t told me he was coming to school so I was surprised to see him there and I didn’t want you to see him, so I dragged him to the locker room. I know I shouldn’t have, I should have caught the opportunity to tell you then, but I was scared you were going to misunderstand. We start to talk, he tells me about his adventures in England, how amazing London is, how it goes at the new school. And it’s nice for me to talk to him, because when we were going out it never was like that. You know how it was Stiles, you were there. He used to treat me like shit and probably cheated on me multiple times. I was stupid back then, and I couldn’t see it. We talk, and we talk and it’s nice to come to know this side of Jackson that I had never seen before.”

I don’t even know why she’s telling me all these things. Okay, so you’re back with Jackson, no need to brag about it Lydia!

“Look Lydia, I get it. It was nice to see him again blablabla and you loved talking to him and blablabla, but excuse me if I’m not interested in any of this. I don’t want to hear the dynamics of you and Jackson getting back together, I’m sorry.”  
“Getting back together? What are you talking about? I didn’t get back together with him!”  
“You didn’t? Really? So you are saying that when I saw you two in the locker room, standing a few inches apart, you were not about to kiss? Do you think I’m stupid or what?”  
“Listen to me, Stiles! The story is not over.”  
“Wow! Can’t wait to hear the rest.”

Lydia rolls her eyes and keeps talking:

“So we’re talking, and I’m really enjoying it. It’s funny how one’s able to talk that way with someone who broke his heart. Anyway, suddenly he makes a move on me, and he kisses me. But as soon as his lips touch mine, I back off and slap him. I don’t know why he did it, what made him think that I was in for it. Trust me Stiles, I never meant to give him that idea. I should have probably told him as soon as we started talking that I wasn’t interested in him anymore, I know. That was a mistake. But trust me, Stiles, I never meant to kiss him and I never did. I slapped him and told him that he had no right to do that, because I’m not his to kiss anymore, because I’m someone else’s. And that’s you Stiles. I want to be with you. And with no one else.”

At this point, Diary, there’s not much I can say. All I’m able to do is to look at her, my mouth hanging open and my eyes wide.

“It’s the truth, Stiles. And now he knows that he can’t do that anymore. I’m sorry you got the wrong idea, but I take full responsibility for everything. And I’m sorry you thought that Jackson and I were back together, because that’s the last thing I want to happen, and you have to believe me when I’m say that I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. Can you do that? Can you trust me?”

And in my heart I think that I want to trust her, that I want to believe what she’s saying and the only reason is that I love her. That I want to be with her. That I want to spend my life with her, marry her and have a bunch of kids with her.   
But in my head I’m thinking that she should have told me, that if she had told me before I wouldn’t have freaked out this much (well, at least I think so) and that she lied to me. She lied to me by not telling me that she was supposed to meet her ex boyfriend, and I know she did it because she didn’t want to hurt me but still, she lied.

“I need to think about it, Lydia. You lied to me, and even though nothing actually happened between the two of you I can’t afford to go through a day like today again. I don’t deserve it. How can I know that you’re never going to see him again?”

“I can’t promise you that, Stiles, and you know it. But my heart is yours, and Jackson knows that now. If tomorrow I run into him again, he will not try to kiss me, I’ve been very clear with him today. But if he does, I will slap him right in the face again. I don’t care. I will punch him if necessary. I will call the police on him, I don’t give a damn. I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from me, I don’t want to see him and I don’t want to talk to him. The only person I want to see and to talk to, it’s you.”

I’m so fucking confused. I know she’s being honest, Lydia is a good person. And all I want to do right now is  to hug her, and kiss her, and bring her upstairs with me and lay on the bed next to her for the rest of the night. But FUCK she lied to me. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

She gets up and comes sit next to me. She takes my hands in hers and says the words that convince me to forget about everything that happened and forgive her:

“Stiles. What I feel for you, I’ve never felt for anybody else. And I don’t know what it is, or where it comes from, but every time I’m with you it’s like I’m home. And it’s so comfortable but at the same time so passionate that I find myself in bed at night thinking about how much I can’t want wait to see you again. I feel like a thirteen years old who’s going through her first crush. But this is more. This is not a crush. This was meant to happen years ago, and I feel so stupid for not realizing it before. So stupid, Stiles. But I’m here now, and I’m one hundred percent invested in this, you have to trust me. Please Stiles, trust me.”

FUCK IT DIARY, I TRUST HER. I FUCKING TRUST HER AND I FUCKING FORGIVE HER.

I look her in the eyes.

“Are you my girlfriend, Lydia?”

She smiles the most beautiful smile.

“You bet your ass I am, Stilinski.”

So I take her by the hand and walk upstairs. I give her something to sleep in, an old jersey and a pair of boxers. We lay on my bed and her head is resting on my chest, my arms wrapped around her.

Lydia Martin is my girlfriend. For all my life, I’ve never wanted anyone but her. And now I’m the only one she wants. No one else. Just me. I HAVE TO TELL SCOTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before falling asleep, Lydia kisses me softly on the lips.

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.   
I’M OFFICIALY TAKEN.  
SORRY LADIES, I’M WITH LYDIA NOW. PLEASE DON’T CRY. YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DATE ME ANYWAYS.

Goodbye, Diary. I’m off to practice.

Stiles

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you liked the chapter! Let me know what you think of it and PLEASE send me suggestions for the nexter chapters!  
> Love you!  
> xx Giorgia


	10. Dear Diary, life is great!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles tells Scott about Lydia. First day at school as boyfriend and girlfriend.

October 31st

Hey Diary!

WHADUP! HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEN TODAY! SO DAMN EXCITED! Lydia is throwing this party at her place with all school invited and for the first time I will be there as LYDIA’S BOYFRIEND and not just the annoying guy who’s there just because his best friend is the lacrosse captain. YAY ME! I don’t know yet how I’m going to dress up but I was thinking maybe a Star Wars character? Maybe Luke Skywalker? How cool would that be? And Lydia could be princess Leia! She will never be up for that though, I guess she has already everything sorted out.

But okay let me tell you how it went yesterday at school because I told everything to Scotty and I want you to know how it went:

So okay Lydia and I wake up in the same bed because as you might remember we fell asleep after we established that she was my girlfriend (YUP, MY GIRLFRIEND). So we wake up and we have breakfast together, my father has already left for work so I make pancakes and coffee. We can’t drive to school together because she has to go home to take a shower and get her books, so she leaves about 30 minutes before I do. As soon as she walks out the door I take my phone and text Scott:

“Guess who’s Lydia Martin’s new boyfriend!”  
“Uhm, that quarterback guy?”  
SUCH AN IDIOT!  
“No, you idiot! Not even close!”  
“I don’t know Stiles! That Mark guy she met at the club a few weeks ago?”  
“THAT WAS A FUCKING RETHORICAL QUESTION SCOTT! COME ON!”  
“OH MY GOD! IT’S YOU?! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Why didn’t I see this happen? You have some serious explanation to do bro.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t know if I could tell you! I’ll see you at school in about 15 and I promise to tell you everything. Hurry!”

I take the keys to my jeep and drive off to school. It’s sunny and there’s a light breeze outside. I almost can’t feel my face anymore because I think I’ve been smiling for the past 10 hours. As I get to the parking lot, Scott’s already there with his motorbike.

“Hey bro!”  
“Don’t call me bro! You didn’t tell me you were seeing Lydia!”  
“Well, that’s not 100% true. I told you we kissed!”  
“Yes you did, what about all the rest? Did you guys have sex? OH MY GOD YOU DID! YOU’RE NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!”  
“SCOTT WHAT THE FUCK STOP SCREAMING!”  
“Uh, sorry. So did you? Did you?”  
“No, Scott. We didn’t. I’m still a lousy virgin. But I don’t care! I’m in an actual relationship with Lydia Martin! I’m her boyfriend! I mean, this is huge!”  
“It’s great, man”  
“Please Scott turn down the excitement! I mean, I don’t want you to fall over while you jump in happiness.”  
“What can I say? I’m happy for you. I just wished you told me sooner! But hey, that _is_ great bro.”  
“I KNOW RIGHT!”   
“Okay tell me exactly what happened and why you haven’t had sex yet.”

So I tell him everything (I won’t write it again because you already know all of it) and at the end he hugs me and tells me again that he’s very happy for me. I’m like over the moon. Because I have the most amazing best friend AND the most amazing girlfriend. I’m basically the luckiest guy on the planet.   
As I’m talking to Scott everything starts to sound more real, like I’m REALLY Lydia’s boyfriend, and she REALLY told me last night that what she feels for me is new for her, and she REALLY told me that she’s only “mine”. Not that she’s something to be had, of course, but you know what I mean.   
How should I act around her in school? Can I kiss her in front of everybody? Can I hold her hand? What would people think? I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me, but it’s pretty obvious that the majority thinks that she’s totally out of my league, which she is, to be honest. But she chose me, so shouldn’t that be enough? That should be all that matters. But if people start talking, maybe she will realize that she’s actually too much for me? That she deserves to be with someone else? GOD I’M FREAKING OUT.

So I decide that I will just leave it to her. If she wants to hold my hand in public, then OF COURSE I will let her. If she wants to kiss me, she can do it and I will kiss her back. If she doesn’t give a shit about what people think, then neither will I. So now I just have to wait for her to arrive to school and we’ll see.

When I walk in AP History, she hasn’t arrived yet. I take a sit in the back because I have no intention of paying attention to the professor, I’m too tired and all I want to think about is Lydia and Halloween. And then FINALLY Lydia walks in and come sit in front of me. She’s wearing this amazing green dress with red small butterflies painted on it and her hair looks amazing, all curly and long and smelling like heaven.

Before she sits down she smiles at me and leaves a note on my desk, which I open  immediately.

 _You’re a part-time lover and a full-time friend,_  
the monkey on your back is the latest trend,  
 I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.  
  


_Good morning :)_

 

OH MY GOD SHE’S JUNOING ME!

The song starts playing in my head and I think I start to sing it out loud because suddenly everyone is staring at me and I can heart Lydia laughing.   
Well this must be good, right? I mean, that is a love song, right? So she hasn’t changed her mind while in the shower this morning, right?

AND I KNOW I’M PATHETIC, ALWAYS DOUBTING MYSELF! Why can’t I just accept the fact that Lydia likes me? If _I_ can’t believe it, how will other people believe it. I must stop with all this self-deprecation. I don’t think that’s attractive. Okay, enough with it. From this moment on I will be the most self confident person anyone has ever seen. REPEAT WITH ME: “I DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. I DON’T CARE IF PEOPLE THINK THAT I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR LYDIA. I DON’T CARE IF THEY STARE. I DON’T CARE IF THEY TALK. LYDIA AND I ARE TOGETHER BECAUSE WE LIKE EACH OTHER. END OF STORY.”

When History is finally over, I wait for Lydia to put all her things in her bag and walk to the door with her. And when we’re in the hallway, she takes my hand in hers as if it was the most natural thing in the world and just keeps walking to the cafeteria. We sit at the same table, where Scott and Kira also are. It all feels so freaking natural. I LOVE THIS!

So we FINALLY start talking about what really matters in life, which is HALLOWEEN. Scott and Kira are dressing up as a werewolf and a kitsune (WOW, HOW ORIGINAL GUYS!!) because they didn’t have time to get anything else. Then Lydia looks at me and tells me that she has already everything planned and that I don’t have to worry about a thing because she already got me a costume. I ask her what costume it is but she answers that I will find out just before the party so that I don’t have time to complain, which is kinda killing my Halloween mood but WHO CARES, I’m going with Lydia Martin and of course she must have chosen an incredibly beautiful costume. It’s her party and she will be a queen, so I might as well just be a king.

When lunch break is over Lydia and I walk to her locker, which by the way is right next to mine, and when we get there she stops, looks at me, puts her arms around my neck and kisses me fully on the mouth. WOW! FIRST PUBLIC KISS RIGHT HERE, DIARY. And suddenly everyone and I mean EVERYONE is looking at us. NO KIDDING DIARY, it’s like the entire school was randomly walking by our lockers and stopped to watch the scene. At this point I’m visibly blushing and I can’t seem to be able to say a normal sentence but Lydia turns around and says “what are you all looking at? What’s so interesting about a girl kissing her boyfriend? Show’s over, go back to class you stupid people” and then she kisses me again, not giving a shit about anyone. YES DIARY, SHE’S MY GIRLFRIEND and she’s the most self-confident, brave and amazing woman who has ever set foot on the earth. Okay, maybe that’s not true IN GENERAL, but it is true for me, which is what really matters.

We stay five more minutes there, just talking and kissing, hugging and joking, looking at each other and laughing.

“I still can’t believe you’re my girlfriend” I say, between a kiss and another.  
“And I still can’t believe you can’t believe it, Stilinski. Please stop thinking that you’re not enough for me, because that’s not true. I think you are the most incredible guy and I consider myself lucky to be with you. Now cut the underestimation and the self-deprecation because you are smart, intelligent and funny and everything a girl could ask for.”

DID YOU HEAR THAT DIARY? COZ I MOST DEFINITELY DID!

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Now, sure you don’t want to tell me what my costume is so that I can play the part better?”  
“No, I told you I’m gonna show you tomorrow. Party starts at seven, be at my place at 5 so that you can help setting everything up and then we can get changed.”  
“Sounds like a plan.”

I smile at her, and she smiles and me before she kisses me again a takes off to class.

Okay Diary, I don’t know how many times I’ve written “she’s my girlfriend” or “I’m Lydia’s boyfriend” in today’s pages, probably too many, but from now on I’m just going to play cool about it and act natural. After all, it should be natural, it is natural. That’s actually the reality!

I haven’t talked to my dad yet, I want to inform him of the current situation because god only knows how many times he has heard me whining about how Lydia didn’t want me, so I think he would be happy to know that things have finally changed. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, after he comes home from the station.

Now I have to take a shower and head to Lydia’s, party starts in 3 hours and I know she always seems like she have everything under control but she just texted me saying that she’s freaking out because she doesn’t know if she has bought enough to drink.

Goodbye, Diary, I’m off to save my lady. Tomorrow I’ll tell you everything about the party. Not tonight because I’m staying at Lydia’s, her mum won’t be home (eheheheheh). Will tonight be the night? WHO KNOWS! BUT I SURELY KNOW I’M LOSING MY SHIT! Should I bring condoms? Oh my god, did I really just write that?

Well, goodbye. This might be the last time I talk to you as a virgin. Wish me luck!

Stiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys!  
> I decided to make this chapter about Stiles telling Scott about Lydia. Besides, I wanted them to have a day as normal couple in school :) But next chapter is going to be filled with Stydia feels and we might also get deflowered!Stiles, who knows!   
> Stay tuned and thank you for reading! Don't forget to leave me feedbacks and suggestions. I really appreciate all of them!  
> xxx Giorgia
> 
> p.s. Big thanks to Angte, who gave me some great advice! I really loved your ideas and I'm going to use all of them <3


	11. Dear Diary, it happened.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween party at Lydia's. After everyone has left, Stiles and Lydia finally have sex.

The day after I got deflowered!!! --> November 1st

HEY DIARY,

I’m going to tell you everything, EVERYTHING, about last night because that was probably the best night of my life and not just because I’M NOT A FREAKING VIRGIN ANYMORE AND I HAD SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH THE GIRL I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART, but also for other factors that I will explain later.

STILES STILINSKI, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NO LONGER A VIRGIN. YUP.  And oh my god diary, it was SO INCREDIBLE like for real, Scott had told me before that it was amazing and obviously I watch porn and everyone seems to enjoy it very much, but what I was expecting wasn’t even close to what it actually was. Okay I’m not making any sense, I know. Why don’t I just start from the very beginning and then we can go in order, okay?

So I leave the house at about 4.45 because I promised Lydia I would arrive at 5 to help her get ready for the party. When Lydia opens the door, she’s wearing sweatpants, an over sized t-shirt and she has a towel on her head. I love how comfortable we are around each other, at the point that she doesn’t care if I see her with no make-up on or in her pyjamas. She hugs me and tells me that she’s glad I arrived, because there are still so much things to do and so little time to do them.

“Don’t worry Lydia, the party is going to be great.”  
“Well, obviously! But we still need to get ready  and the catering is late.”  
“We still have two hours before the guests start to arrive. I will call the caterer and tell them to hurry up, in the mean time, you can go upstairs and lay down for half an hour, get your beauty sleep.”  
“Are you sure you can do it?”  
“Lydia, it’s not like I have to call the NASA. I think I got it.”  
“Yeah I know, I’m sorry. I just want everything to be perfect.”  
“AND it will be. Now go upstairs, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

She kisses me softly and turns around to go to her room.  I take her phone and start looking for the number of the catering agency and while I go through her last calls I notice that my number is saved under “Stiles” followed by a small, red heart. Which is SO NOT Lydia, but I guess people change when they’re in love! Okay, maybe not in love, maybe really infatuated. Or maybe in love? Or maybe not? Oh god does Lydia love me? All that big speech about her having all these new feelings she doesn’t even know what they are or what they mean? Could it be love? Well I hope it is! But I don’t want to rush things and I don’t want to put her in a place where she has to say that she loves me back even if she’s not sure yet. I’m not gonna do it to her. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Besides, I think she already knows that I love her, I mean, it’s never been a secret. Well, it used to be a crush, but now I’m 100% sure that THIS is more than a crush, not even close to a crush. It’s love and I can’t wait to tell her that I want to be with her forever, but I’ll just wait until I can sense that she feels this way, too.

So, after this long digression on how much I love Lydia (big news) I call the catering agency and tell them that this party is very important and that they have to hurry up because the guests will arrive in a couple of hours. When I hang up the phone, I walk upstairs and find Lydia asleep in her bed. She’s such a cutie pie, with her hair still wet all over her face, so beautiful. I don’t want to wake her up, I want her to rest so that she can be in perfect shape for the party.

So I lay down next to her and I just watch her until I fall asleep. Next thing I know, Lydia is screaming in my ear that it’s late, that guests will arrive in half an hour, that the catering hasn’t arrived yet and that I should have woken her up, that I promised and that it’s all my fault WHICH ACTUALLY might be true. I try to calm her down as she runs around the house still in her sweatpants but she won’t listen to me so I literally have to lift her from the floor (which is not that hard to do, Lydia is pretty small) and put her on the couch.

“Lydia, listen to me. We’ll make it. Everything down here is set, you go upstairs and get ready for the party, I’ll be there in 10 minutes so that I can wear my costume. Don’t worry about a thing.”

THANK GOD the bell rings and it’s the catering with all the food and drinks, so Lydia can relax and finally go upstairs. I show the caterers where to put everything and run upstairs. With all this running around I should take another shower but when I walk into Lydia’s room, she’s wearing this long green skirt, a purple bikini top (WOW), her lips are red and her hair incredible. How she managed to do all of this in just 10 minutes is a mystery to me. She’s just too beautiful to be human.

“Guess who I am!”  
“The Little Mermaid! You’re Ariel! That means that I’m...”  
“..Sebastian”  
“SEBASTIAN?!? WHAT?”  
She burst into laughter and kisses me briefly on the lips.  
“I’m just kidding, you will be my Eric” Then she points at the bed, where my costume is. An over sized white shirt, a red belt and black trousers. That will do.  
“Sounds great. I’ll go get changed.”  
“Okay, but hurry. We only have 15 minutes before people start arriving”  
“Don’t worry, I’ll be quick”

I get change and I have to say, dear Diary, that this Eric costume really suits me. I go back to Lydia’s room, and she’s sitting at her desk checking her phone.

“Come here, I want to take a picture together”  
“Oh, okay”

She takes a selfie and she shows it to me. “Look how handsome you are”. So this is our first picture together as a couple and now all I can think of is that I want there to be a thousand more picture, even more if possible. And I actually look pretty handsome ;)

“I like it.” I smile at her, and she smiles back.  
“I’m posting it on Facebook. What should I write in the caption?”  
“I don’t know”  
“Okay, I’m writing ‘our first Halloween’”  
“But it’s not our first Halloween”  
“I know, Stiles, but it’s our first Halloween together as a couple!”  
“Oh, yeah you’re right. Go for it.”

She posts it and looks at the time.

“We have five more minutes. Wanna make out, Stilinski?”

I don’t even answer and just kisses her fully on the mouth. She puts her hands around my neck and her fingers run through my hair.  I cup her face with my right hand, while the left is on her lower back and this feels so right I wonder why we never did it before. Suddenly she breaks the kiss and takes my hand, walking towards the bed. I don’t really know what she wants to do because literally we have 4 minutes and even if I’m pretty sure that four minutes would do, I don’t think this is the right time. We lay down and kiss again, passionately, VERY PASSIONATELY DIARY, so passionately I think I’m about to pass out but THANK GOD the bell rings and that means that we have to let the guests in.

The first ones who arrive are Scott and Kira, of course, but soon the entire school is there and we start drinking and having fun. Lydia, as the perfect host she is, doesn’t want anyone to be disappointed so she runs back and forth to bring more drinks and more food. The music is loud, people are hitting the dance floor (Lydia’s living room) and I really don’t want her to miss this out so, as she walks by me with two bottles of vodka in her hands, I stop her and ask her to dance with me. Scott and Kira are already dancing their asses of and I really want join them, but not without Lydia. She deserves to have a little fun.

So, despite her rejection because “I have things to do Stiles! Everyone’s glasses are empty and I can leave them without alcohol” I take her to the living room, where we start dancing at the rhythm of music (I’m a fantastic dancer, dear Diary). Lydia keeps laughing because of the way I move, and suddenly she puts her hands on my hips and starts moving them together with hers, she’s so close, dear Diary, so close...and now her arms are around my neck and her lips are touching my ear and I have goose bumps all over my body.  
AND A BONER.  
AGAIN.  
GOD LYDIA MARTIN WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

She whispers in my ear “I can’t wait for everyone to leave” and I just say “me too” because I’m too focused on my erection to think about anything else. This is embarrassing and obviously Lydia is enjoying it since she keeps gently biting my ear lobe. My hands are on her naked back and I really want to move them south but there’s too many people and maybe she doesn’t want me to do it in front of the whole school? Apparently she can read my mind or maybe she just feels my hands slightly moving but she whispers “I’ll let you touch every single inch of me, later”. My jaw drops and she burst out laughing, kisses me lightly on the lips and walks away, leaving me in the middle of the dance floor with an evident erection and her scent all over me. WELL ISN’T SHE A FREAKING TEASER, DEAR DIARY.

The hours go by, and finally people start to leave, leaving a huge mess that I have no intention of cleaning now. Scott and Kira are the last ones to go, after they offer like a thousand times to help with the cleaning. Finally Scott gets the hint, since I’ve been blinking for like 10 minutes now, moving my eyes in the direction of the door. He just says “oh” and walks towards the exit.

“Goodbye guys! I’ll call you tomorrow bro”  
“You better” is what Scott says, and I blink at him once again before closing the door behind them.

SO LYDIA AND I ARE ALONE IN THE HOUSE. A-L-O-N-E.  

“Sooo..Scott and Kira have left...”  
“I see...”  
“So what do you want to do?”  
“Well we can start by going upstairs?”  
“Sounds like a plan.”

So we climb up the stairs and I swear to god Diary, I am SO nervous, so so so so fucking nervous. What if I’m terrible at it? What if she doesn’t like it? What if I suck so bad she’s not going to want to do it again? What if I last like 30 seconds, which by the way is very likely to happen? We are now in her room and she’s looking at me _oh so intensely_. She kisses me softly and I forget about any doubt I ever had, because it’s us. It’s us for fuck’s sake and I shouldn’t be worried because she knows all of me and I know all of her and we are Stiles and Lydia. I kiss her back and I put all of me in this kiss, because I want her to understand that she is everything to me. EVERYTHING. Well, she’s actually one third of my everything together with my dad and Scott but still, a huge part. She’s the only girl for me, always was, always will be.

She breaks the kiss, looks right into my eyes. Then she speaks.

“I’m just as scared as you are.”

And that’s it. It’s all I want to hear and it’s all I want to remember. We walk together to the bed and sit down. Lydia is the one to start the kiss because, let’s face it, I may pretend like I’m this bold latin lover, but I’m actually paralyzed right now. But as soon as her lips touch mine, I lay her down and move on top of her, running one hand through her hair, kissing her jaw line down to her neck. THIS FEELS SO GOOD, I THINK IT’S THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

Now, I’m not gonna write all the details because I don’t think I need to, there is no way I’m ever going to forget any of this, besides it would sound like a very bad written porn novel. What I want you to know is that it was extremely tender, Lydia never made me feel uncomfortable, never, and she kept whispering things in my ear like “you’re amazing” or “are you okay?”. And when we finished, after about three of four minutes (I know, I sucked, better than expected but still too short for her to really enjoy it, I need to make up for it next time), we just laid in bed naked and I couldn’t speak because I hadn’t really processed yet and she was just smiling and smiling and sometimes even laughing. And in that moment I really wanted to tell her that I loved her, that it was amazing (at least for me, pretty sure it wasn’t that good for her, even if she will never admit it) but everything sounded so cliché in my head. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. So I hugged her, she buried her head in my chest and we were still naked, our skins touching and our two hearts beating as one.  
OH AND ALSO I’M NO LONGER A VIRGIN AND IT FEELS SO GOOD TO ACTUALLY SAY IT OUT LOUD, “I’M NO LONGER A VIRGIN”. Next time a psychopath comes to town and decides to sacrifice a few virgins, HE SURE AS HELL WON’T PICK ME! BECAUSE YO, I HAVE SEX. STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU PSYCHOPATH, I HAVE SEX AND YOU CAN’T KILL ME. WHADUP!  

So, I’m at home now and I’m planning my first official date with Lydia, because we haven’t really had one yet. I want to take her out to dinner or maybe I could cook? I’m quite a chef, dear Diary. I can cook her dinner. Tomorrow. OH MY GOD SO EXCITED.  I will text her now to invite her over.

Goodnight, dear Diary!

Stiles (who has sex)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, you have no idea how much effort I put in this chapter. It was so hard to write, I had like a million ideas in my mind and I didn't know how to write them all together. This is what came out of my messy head.  
> I really hope you like it, please leave me feedbacks and leave comments below if you have any ideas for the next chapters!  
> Thank you for reading, I love you!  
> xxxx Giorgia


	12. Dear Diary, he ruined.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stydia first real date + Jackson ruines it all.

November 4th

Hey diary.  
I know I didn’t write anything for a couple of days, I know. I will fill you in with everything that happened, from my very first real date with Lydia, which was amazing and super romantic, to what happened today which is not that nice. But yeah, dinner was great and she loved it, I cooked everything and we were at my place with a bunch of candles lit, everything was perfect. But of course something had to screw everything up. This time I must say it’s my bad. I did something I shouldn’t have and Lydia got mad at me and we had a huge fight yesterday and now she won’t return my calls or answer my texts.

But let me get this straight so that you don’t get confused because a lot of things happened and I want to write everything down in the best way possible.  Okay, let’s start.

So it’s the day after, you know, I HAD SEX, and I’m over the moon, I can’t stop smiling and I can’t stand still, I’m running around the house trying to find something to do. My dad looks at me in a weird way and asks me if everything’s okay. At that point I have to tell him. Of course I don’t tell him “oh yeah dad, everything’s great, it’s just that Lydia Martin deflowered your son last night, nothing to be worried about though”, so this is how it goes:

“What’s going on with you, son? You look more excited about life than usual.”  
“Oh it’s nothing dad, really. It’s just that I had a great time last night at that Halloween party!”  
“Oh really, is that so. Where was the party?”  
“At Lydia’s, you know that already. I told you before I left.”  
“And is there a reason you went there 3 hours before the party started?”  
“Uhm, how do you know at what time the party started?”  
“I’m the sheriff, Stiles, and Beacon Hills is no metropolis”

I guess he has a point.

“Well, it might have something to do with the fact that Lydia and I are together.”  
“You and Lydia are together? That Lydia?”  
“Yes, _that_ Lydia, dad. And please, try sound more surprised next time”  
“I’m sorry son, it’s just that, Lydia? Lydia Martin? You must be..well, very happy.”  
“Indeed I am, father.”  
“Stop calling me that, Stiles, this is not Star Wars.”  
“Well I wish it was!”

My dad rolls his eyes, which reminded me of Lydia, and then smiles at me, obviously happy that I’m finally happy. We hug it out like real men and then he leaves for work, leaving me alone in the house. Just before he closes the door I yell “YO DADDY! Is it okay if I invite Lydia over for dinner tonight? When’s your shift over?”  
“I’m not gonna tell you, Stiles. You can have Lydia over but remember that I’m always watching you.”

He knows that there’s no need to be worried about me or Lydia because we are both very responsible people and whatever we do (hehehehe) we do it carefully. But anyways, he decided to play bad cop today, and I’m gonna let him. I don’t even care.  
  
I text Lydia that our plan for the night is still in motion, and she texts me back saying that she can’t wait and she will be over in a couple of hours. So, two hours to make dinner. Two hours to organise the perfect first date with my perfect girlfriend. Let’s get this started.

I go grocery shopping and in the mean time I look for some easy but also tasty recipes on my phone. I buy all I need and head back home. I have now 1 hour to cook everything, if I want to have time to take a shower and change. I start cooking while I listen to some music, and as I cook I keep thinking of Lydia and about last night. We had sex. It was great, but at the same time not that much. You know what I mean, diary? I loved it, because I was with her, and we were the closest you can get to another person, and everything felt so right. But I’m not gonna lie to you, diary. I sucked. Really. I was terrible and I’m pretty sure she didn’t enjoy it that much, even if she said she did, which was very sweet of her. But it lasted like what, 4 minutes? And I know that I have a valid excuse, that nobody knows how to do it their first time, but still I wanted it to be perfect for the both of us, not just for me. This is why I need to make it up to her. And this might be partially the reason why I’ve invited her over. We are going to enjoy a nice dinner together and then I’m more than determined to give it another try. If she wants to, of course. But I can be pretty persuasive, you know? HAHAHAHAH, who am I kidding, I’m not persuasive. We’ll just see how things go.

By the time I’m done thinking all of this, I’m also done with dinner. So I run upstairs and take a quick shower, than I spend like 20 minutes in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear. Which is stupid and most of all, not me. But I want to look cute, even if I know that Lydia would like me anyway. I mean, she has seen me in terrible conditions, she has seen me when I had a demon inside of me, so I don’t think that she will change her mind based on which plaid I’m wearing tonight. I go for the black and red one. And jeans. And adidas. WOW STILES HOW ORIGINAL.

Lydia will be here in 15 minutes, dinner is in the oven, so I check my news feeds on Facebook. There’s our picture on my wall. The one of me and Lydia dressed up as Ariel and prince Eric. She looks so good with that purple bikini that I literally can’t stare at it for too much or I’m gonna get a boner. NOT EVEN KIDDING. Lydia has amazing, AMAZING boobs (oops, breasts), dear Diary. Like the best I have ever seen. Not that I have seen many. Only hers, and my mum’s. Not that I used to stare at my mum’s boobs. OH MY GOD YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Now back to that picture. She looks beautiful and I must say, dear diary, I look pretty handsome too! It must be that I’m standing right next to her, because she is literally glowing. Okay, so I press the like button on the picture, turn off my laptop and walk downstairs, to set up the table. I lit a bunch of candles and I can’t wait for her to see this, I can’t wait to see her face when she walks in. Everything looks perfect and so damn romantic. YAY FOR ME!!!

The bell rings. She’s year. Suddenly my hands start sweating because that’s just what she does to me, she makes me nervous even if I know her better than anyone else, even if I’ve known her for basically my entire life. I open the door and I see Lydia, wearing this dark green long dress, with a leather jacket on and her long strawberry blonde hair down her shoulders.

“Hey, Lyds.”

I go for a quick kiss on the lips but she throws her arms around my neck and gives me the most passionate kiss. I kiss her back, my hands on her back while she closes the door behind her with a kick and takes of her jacket. I think it’s pretty obvious that she has no intention of having dinner right away, that she has other plans in mind like having sex on my couch, which I’m totally, TOTALLY, fine with but I have chicken and potatoes half-burned in the oven and I really need to turn it off, which I know will totally kill the buzz.

“Lyds, there’s dinner in the oven, I need to –”

“We can have dinner later”  
“Yes, we can, but I have to turn it off or everything will be burnt by the time we actually decide to have dinner”  
“OH MY GOD STILES!”  
“I know I’m sorry!”  
“Go turn that fucking oven off and come back here.”  
“Yes ma’am”

So I run to the kitchen, take the chicken and the potatoes out of the oven, turn it off and go back to the living room. Lydia is on the couch.

“Guess who’s back!”  
“Unattractive, Stiles!”  
“Lydia what was I supposed to do? Leave the dinner burn in the oven?”  
“No.”  
“Then can we go back to where we left?”  
“I guess..even though you ruined the mood”  
“Look I’m sorry, but at least now we can do what you wanted to do in a safe environment and we don’t have to worry about dying in a fire and being found naked and burnt by the police, a.k.a my fath – ”  
“STILES.”  
“Okay I’m gonna shut up now.”  
“Thank god.”

And with that, she kisses me fully on the mouth and sits on my lap. What comes next is the most valid example of INCREDIBLE sex. Like, this time was ACTUALLY good. Like it felt really, really, good. And I think she would agree with me, according to her moans. Okay, if Lydia ever finds this diary, she’s gonna kill me, I know. And I probably deserve it but I don’t care because that was like the most amazing thing EVER. And I lasted a lot, like 30 minutes, which I heard is the perfect amount of time. SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!

So we are naked on the couch, and really we smell like sex. We are sweaty and our breaths are heavy. We lay like that for a while, but then I remember that I don’t know what time my dad is supposed to be home and that I really don’t want him to find us like this on his couch. OH GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW EMBARASSING THAT WOULD BE? Oh god I can’t even think about it. So I suggest we take a shower, and we do, together, and then Lydia doesn’t want to put back on her dress so she asks if she can borrow one of my t-shirts and sweatpants. You must know, dear Diary, that Lydia is extremely small. She’s like 5.3’ and she could probably fit in my pocket, so when I give her my clothes she looks like a baby in his parents’. And it’s so, so cute. So we have dinner like that, our hair still wet from the shower, both wearing sweats, on the couch and not on the table, watching reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S on tv. And it’s just perfect.

SOOOOO this was my first date with Lydia. You can tell it was pretty amazing and of course I couldn’t wait to have another one. BUT OF COURSE something had to get in the way of it. AND THIS SOMETHING’S NAME IF JACKSON FUCKING WHITTEMORE, AGAIN. Yes, dear Diary, AGAIN.

I hate that guy, and I hate the fact that he can’t give Lydia a break. He knows she’s with me right now, he knows she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, that she’s over him. He knows all this stuff because she told him and besides EVERYONE knows it at school. So he was a complete asshole when he texted Lydia asking her out. We were together when it happened. We were hanging out at the lacrosse field right after school when she got a text for him that went like “hey beautiful, wanna see me tonight?” and this time Lydia showed it to me, which I really appreciated.

“Are you going to text him back?”  
“I don’t know, do you think I should?”  
“Well, you should tell him once again to stop bothering you and that you have a boyfriend now.”  
“He already knows that, remember?”  
“Yeah but apparently the guy is pretty slow, so you might want to tell him again.”  
“Fine.”

So she texted him back something like “No Jackson, I’m with Stiles tonight. Please stop texting me.” And after like 30 seconds he was like “Is that freak using your phone, now? You know you want to see me, we both know it, Lyds. Come on.”

That is it. I tell Lydia that I will meet her at her place in a couple of hours and I take my jeep. Now, dear Diary, you  know that I’m no badass, I don’t get into fights, mainly because I’m human and I usually lose every fight I get into, BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH. TOO FUCKING MUCH. And I know that Lydia doesn’t want me to go and she will probably get super mad at me but I need to talk to him once for all, to make him understand that he doesn’t have that power over Lydia anymore. He has no right to act that way, to send her those texts as if he was still her boyfriend. Because now _I_ am her boyfriend, not him, _me._

I knock on his door. He opens it and stares at me with his typical “I’m better than everyone, let alone you, Stilinski” face. I really want to punch him but I know that if I do, he will punch me back waaay harder and he will probably knock me down. That would mean that I wouldn’t have to tell him what I want to.

 “What are you doing here, Stilinski? What do you want?”  
“I want you to stop texting Lydia. She doesn’t want to see you.”  
“Oh, really? Then why did she kiss me when I came back in town?”  
“She didn’t kiss you. You kissed her and she didn’t kiss you back. That’s sexual harassment, by the way, you asshole.”  
“Did she really tell you that?”  
“Yes, she did. And I trust her.”  
“Well, Stilinski, you might want to reconsider who to trust.”

I punch him.  
Because I want to.  
And I know that it’s wrong, that violence is never the answer, and that you just don’t punch people in the face. Because that’s just wrong.

Now I think my hand is broken and I’m already feeling guilty, but I have no time to process since he looks at me and hits me SO HARD I think I’m gonna pass out. I don’t even realize that I’m on the floor until he kicks me in the stomach.

“I don’t want to see your face around here, Stilinski. Now go home and cry.”

I try to get up and say something back and punch him again but apparently I’m not able to stand right now and to speak. I actually really want to go home and cry. Jackson closes the door behind him and I’m left there, my  lips bleeding and probably a few broken ribs. That sucks.

I hardly manage to drive to the hospital, where Melissa (have I ever told you about Melissa? She’s Scott’s mom, an amazing human being) puts me in a bed and takes care of me. She calls my dad and tells him that there’s no need to worry, that I’m going to be fine and that there’s nothing broken in my body. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, JACKSON? You can’t even break my ribs. You suck, man.

I finally find the courage to call Lydia. When I tell her I’m at the hospital she starts freaking out and tells me that she’s gonna be here immediately. I don’t even have time to prepare a speech that she’s already here, hugging me and kissing me all over, trying not to hurt me.

“What happened to you? Who did this to you?”  
“I don’t  wanna tell...”  
“Stop fucking around, Stiles, what happened?”  
“Promise me you won’t get mad?”  
“Well it depends on what you did, Stiles!”  
“Fine. It was Jackson”  
“WHA – ”  
“Wait, Lydia. Let me finish. I went to his house to tell him to stop bothering you. I know I shouldn’t have and I know you can take care of yourself but I just wanted to tell him that you are my girlfriend now and that he can’t act that way around you anymore.”  
“WELL THAT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL, STILES. YOU’RE IN FUCKING HOSPITAL WITH YOUR MOUTH BLEEDING, YOU’RE LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY BROKEN BONE”  
“Well, that’s probably because Jackson isn’t as strong as he thinks he is”  
“STILES STOP JOKING! DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WANT TO JOKE? DO YOU REALIZE THAT JACKSON IS LIKE THREE TIMES BIGGER THAN YOU AND THAT HE COULD HAVE HURT YOU REAL BAD? DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID OF YOU THAT WAS?”  
“LYDIA STOP SCREAMING!”  
“NO I WON’T STOP SCREAMING! I DON’T NEED YOU TO PLAY HERO STILES! I NEED YOU TO BE MY BOYFRIEND AND MOST OF ALL TO BE ALIVE!”  
“I AM ALIVE, LYDIA!”  
“WELL NOT THAT MUCH, STILINKSI. YOU’RE IN FUCKING HOSPITAL!”  
“Lydia, is not that bad. I will be home in a couple of hours.”  
“Well, you’re lucky it’s not that bad, otherwise I would have killed you myself! I need to talk to Melissa.”

So she leaves the room looking for Melissa and I’m left there thinking that wow, Lydia really cares about me. And also feeling super stupid because what I did actually _was_ dangerous, and Lydia is right. I shouldn’t have. After 5 minutes, Lydia comes back.

“I talked to Melissa. There’s nothing broken in your body. Now,  I’m gonna stay here now because I’m your girlfriend and I don’t want you to be alone in the hospital. But I’m angry. VERY, Stiles. Oh and Scott is on his way.”

And with that she sits next to my bed and takes a book out of her bag. She takes off her shoes and puts her feet on the bed, to get more comfortable.  So I’m lying in an hospital bed and Lydia is next to me studying. LOOKS LIKE LOVE TO ME!! They let me go home after 3 hours, and now I’m in my bedroom. My dad just left, after he grounded me for the next two weeks. No tv, no Scott, no Lydia. I wonder if he really believes that I’m gonna respect it, because of course it’s not gonna happen. I texted Lydia to tell her that I’m not allowed to see her outside from school for the next two weeks. She’s not answering. I tried to call her, and she’s not picking up her phone. I know she’s not really angry at me, maybe she just got scared and I know the feeling. I know how it feels to see that the person you most care about is hurt, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Now I’m going to bed, my face still hurts. Good night, Diary.

PS!! Lydia just texting me back.   
“ _Good, because I don’t want to see you for at least two weeks after what you did today :)”_  
“You can come over tomorrow night, my dad has the night shift.”  
“Yeah, you wish”  
“Yeah, I do”  
“ :) See you tomorrow babe”

I LOVE HER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> This chapter is longer than usual and I hope you like it!  
> Let me know what you think and please leave feedbacks and suggestions for the next chapters!  
> Love you all  
> xxx Giorgia


	13. Dear Diary, what the hell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles tells Lydia the three magic words.

November 10th

Dear Diary!

I haven’t written for a few days but I’ve been very busy with school HAHAHAHAHAH WHO AM I KIDDING, I’ve been very busy with sex. Because when you are a 17 year old boy, in high school, who finally hets to have sex, you just stop thinking about everything else. School, family, friends, even Star Wars, and I’m sorry  but I forgot about you too. I’m sorry. It’s not gonna happen again, I promise.

So, where were we. Oh yes, when I tried to play hero and Jackson knocked me down. Yeah, well done Stiles. Good job, really. So I told you that Lydia was mad at me because I shouldn’t have punched Jackson in the face in the first place, and that my father grounded me for the exact same reason. “No Scott and no Lydia”, he said. YEAH DAD, RIGHT. NOW THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, I WILL DEFINITELY STOP SEEING HER. AND NOW THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND I WILL DEFINITELY NOT TALK ABOUT IT TO MY BEST FRIEND. DON’T WORRY DAD. IT WILL HAPPEN.

So today my dad has the night shift. You know, you shouldn’t ground your kids if you work shifts. You should know they won’t do what they’re told. Indeed, I call Lydia and I tell her to come to my house as soon as my dad leaves, at about 7. We can eat something together and then watch TV, even if we should study for the mid terms exams. So she arrives and we eat some leftovers that are in my fridge and then we crush the couch and cuddle for a bit. Her hair smells like heaven and she’s wearing my lacrosse jersey that she’s borrowed on our first date here. This is so familiar and so sweet and I just want to lay like this forever. And I think that now it’s the right time, and I feel like I can’t take it in anymore, that I have to tell her. I need to tell her. And even if she doesn’t say it back, who cares? The important thing is that she’s here right now, cuddled against me on my couch, in my house, watching TV with me on a Wednesday night. Besides, I think it’s always nice to know that someone loves you. I mean, every time someone told me they loved me, I was pretty happy. HAHAHAHAH who am I kidding, nobody ever told me that. Except for my father. And my mother. And Scott. But yeah, none of them was in a romantic way.

BUT I HAVE TO TELL HER. And I want to tell her right now because this moment is perfect and WE are perfect. I don’t care what people say, we are a perfect match. And while she’s here in my arms, all I can think about is that she is the woman for me, that there is no other girl I’d rather spend my lazy evenings with. She truly is the one.

“I love you, Lydia”.

She turns around. She looks at me. Silence.  

She’s not saying anything. SHIT. Lydia please say something. PLEASE LYDIA SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING. SAY THAT YOU LIKE PIZZA. THAT YOU LOVE THE NOTEBOOK. BUT DON’T JUST STARE AT ME WITH THOSE EYES AND YOUR MOUTH HANGING OPEN.

“Lydia, say something please?”

NOTHING. She’s just staring at me and she can’t seem to say a word. Not a single word. What should I say? Should I act like nothing happened? Like I didn’t just declare my love to the woman of my dreams and she didn’t just stare back at me in disbelief? FUCK ME. I knew it, always thinking positive. Yeah, who cares if she doesn’t say it back, blablabla, it’s always nice to know that someone loves you and blablabla AM I STUPID OR WHAT? This hurts worse than the time Jackson punched me in the fucking face. God Stiles, you are so stupid.

“Okay let’s just pretend like nothing happened, okay Lydia? Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”  
“Stiles, I’m sor – ”  
“About what? Nothing happened! Let’s just go back to watching TV, shall we?”

She doesn’t say anything and we just turn our heads to the TV, watching some stupid Simpson reruns. And I can feel that something has changed, that I ruined it, I ruined it because now she’s uncomfortable and she would probably rather be at home in her bedroom right now than here with me. She’s sitting straight now, facing the TV, our bodies are not touching anymore and she seems a little bit too interested in how Homer tries to convince Marge that drinking 4 gallons of beer before driving is a good thing to do. And I feel like I want to die because I put her in that position and it’s my fault if everything has changed in like 2 minutes. GOOD JOB STILES! Thank god it’s 10 already and we have school tomorrow so it’s not long before Lydia says that she has to go home and awkwardly kisses me before leaving the house. THANK GOD. THAT WAS UNBEARABLE. Really, dear Diary. I never thought that being with Lydia would have been that hard. Like I could ‘t wait for her to leave because I need to take a shower and to realise what I just did. How stupid I am. And most of all, I need to call Scott.

“Yo, wuddup bro?” Scott is always like this when he answers the phone.  
“Scott, I need help. I screwed up. I screwed up big time”  
“What happened? Is this about Lydia?”  
“Yup, I’m afraid it is. I might have told her I loved her. And she might have just stared at me without saying it back. And it all might have become too uncomfortable and now she’s left.”  
“She didn’t say it back? She didn’t say anything at all?”  
“Well, she tried to apologise when I told her to pretend that nothing had happened”  
“Ouch.”  
“Yeah, I know.”  
“Look, maybe she just wasn’t expecting it. Maybe you caught her by surprise and she didn’t know how to react.”  
“Well, Scott, if someone tells you they love you and you love them back, you usually say it.”  
“Okay that’s not true. Things can get in the way. Like fear, for example.”  
“You think she was scared. Of what? Besides, she probably already knew that I loved her. It’s pretty obvious. I’ve loved her since forever. How can she be surprised.”  
“Look, I don’t know man. Just cut her some slack and give her some time. She will come around, trust me.”  
“Okay, thanks buddy. See you tomorrow at school.”  
“See you tomorrow and try to get some sleep, don’t think about it too much. Why am I even saying this.”  
“I don’t know. Night Scotty.”

So okay, Scott thinks that she somehow got scared of my love declaration and didn’t say it back for that reason. I think that she didn’t say it back because she’s not there yet. Which is fine. It really is. I don’t want to force anything on her and if she doesn’t feel like saying it back yet IT’S NO PROBLEM. But what can I do now to make her understand that? I don’t want her to think that I’m mad at her or something. I should confront her and tell her that I do love her, that I always have but that I’m more than willing to wait for her to be ready. No pressure. Because I know that she cares about me, that she wants to be with me and with no one else, so why should I be worried? The time will come. She will say it one day, I’m sure of it. Maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but some day. So I go to my room but before going to bed I write her a little text, that goes like this:

_Lydia, I’m sorry for before. I’m not mad at you, how could I ever be? I will wait for as long as you need, I don’t mean to put any kind of pressure on you but don’t ask me to say that I don’t love you. Because I do. Always have, always will. See you tomorrow :)_

And I go to bed happy, because I know that she will come around.

Good night Diary, talk to you tomorrow.

Stiles

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys! My laptop is back and so is Dear Diary! Finally!  
> Let me know what you think and I will update again soon!  
> Loooove you   
> xxxx  
> Giorgia


	14. Dear Diary, wow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles is confused. Stiles is happy.

November 18th

Dear Diary,

so I guess you remember what happened last time we talked. Because I most definitely do. I said “I love you” to Lydia and she didn’t say it back. And remember how I said I was cool with it? That there was no rush and that I would have given her all the time she needed. You see, Diary, I really meant that, trust me, but for fuck’s sake it’s been a week and still nothing. And I know that maybe it’s still too soon but god I’m only a 17 years old boy who told her girlfriend he loved her. And I really wish she could say it back! I don’t want to rush her, really, I don’t. But this is fucking killing me. Nothing’s changed when we are together though. Like we act normally around each other and it’s not weird or anything but still. I’m always thinking what if she doesn’t love me back? What if she never will? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW! Like where is this going? Is there a future? I thought there was, but apparently not? Look, I don’t even know, I’m just rambling here. It’s just that I thought that okay, maybe I took her by surprise when confessed my undying love for her, okay, I can live with that. And maybe she didn’t feel like saying it back immediately because she didn’t want me to think that she was saying it just to make me happy. Okay. BUT IT’S BEEN A FUCKING WEEK. AND WE’VE SEEN EACH OTHER LIKE 3 TIMES SINCE THEN. And nothing. NOTHING. Okay I need to calm the fuck down because really I couldn’t be more stressed than this and writing everything down is not helping. LIKE I’M QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. And it’s not fair, I mean, why, WHY do I always have to feel like I’ve done something wrong, like for some reason I don’t deserve to be loved back. FUCK YOU!! OF COURSE I DESERVE TO BE LOVED BACK. WHY NOT. I’M A NORMAL PERSON WITH NORMAL FEELINGS WHO DESERVES TO BE IN A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP AND TO BE FUCKING LOVED BACK! And I know that Lydia is not exactly normal, she’s extraordinaire, she’s a banshee, she’s a genius, she could probably win miss America. But all I ask for, ALL I ask for, is to be loved back. Like seriously. I don’t care if we end up poor, living under a fucking bridge somewhere around the United States, really, I couldn’t care less. As long as she fucking loves me.

OKAY STILES, OKAY. CALM. DOWN. THIS. IS. NOT. HELPING.  
CALM. DOWN.

I need to talk to Scott.   
Talk to you later.  
Stiles

\---------

Okay I’m back. 

I went to Scott’s and he told me that I shouldn’t be worried because she will say it back sooner or later. WELL I HOPE SO, SCOTT. I was maybe hoping sooner than later but what can I really do about it, right? Anyway, it’s always good when I get to spend time with Scott because when I’m with him I kinda forget everything that’s going on and I just enjoy my best friend. Sometimes I wish I was a girl so that I could be his boyfriend. Or the other way around. Or whatever. I just needed to spend some time with him. But now I’m back home by myself, my dad is at work and I have a couple of hours before Lydia comes over for dinner. So I guess I’ll just spend two hours wondering if the love of my life sees me as the love of her life. Nice. VERY FUCKING NICE.

GOD I’M PATHETIC.

I’m going downstairs to watch some TV, talk to you tomorrow.

Stiles

\---------

November 19th

Hey Diary,

I’m back.  And my life still sucks. Last night I saw Lydia, she came over and then we went for a walk. And it was meh. I don’t know. She’s amazing as always but it’s like I can’t stay focused right now because all I can think about is that she doesn’t love me. Or that if she does, she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me. Maybe she doesn’t love me at all, maybe she doesn’t  know how to tell me that she’s not in the same place as I am and she probably never will be. Maybe she doesn’t want to break my heart. Maybe I should do it for her. I don’t want to force her to be with me if she doesn’t want to. I’m doing it today. I will break up with Lydia. I will break up with her and spend the rest of my life regretting it. But I don’t care, as long as she’s happy. And if I have to do this to see her happy, then I will.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night was amazing, dear Diary, like the best night of my life and I’m not even kidding. I will remember last night forever for the rest of my days and that’s why I have to write every single detail down right now.   
PS. Sorry if I scared you, but did you really think that I was going to break up with Lydia? Come on, Diary, you know better!

Okay, here it goes: THE STORY OF HOW LYDIA MARTIN TOLD STILES STILINSKI THAT SHE LOVED HIM.

So, Lydia and I were supposed to have dinner together and to watch a movie and hang out here at home. I was expecting her at about 7.30 because my dad had the night shift and I’m still grounded for another week, so I had to wait for him to leave. My dad leaves the house early because he says he has to run some errands and that he will be back in the morning. Normally I would have texted Lydia telling her to come earlier but I wasn’t really in the mood and well, I was still freaking out. So I just decide to watch a couple of Friends episodes to cheer me up a little. Suddenly the bell rings and I have no idea who it is because it’s only 6.30 and Lydia isn’t supposed to arrive for like another hour. I think that maybe it’s my dad who forgot his keys but when I open the door Lydia is there and she’s wearing that long green dress that I love so much. And I’m like “Oh, you’re early, come in” but she’s like “no, grab your jacket and come with me. Don’t ask questions.”

I take my jacket and I follow her in her car. I really want to know where we’re going but Lydia doesn’t want to tell me, so we just listen to the radio while she drives. It’s already dark outside but the sky is clear and full of stars (I know this is cheeky but I really want to remember every single detail). We’ve been driving for about half an hour when Lydia stop and really, I’ve lived in Beacon Hills for all my life but I have no idea what this place is. The only thing I can see is that it’s like a park and there’s a big hill at the end of it. We get off the car and I follow Lydia, who I really hope knows what she’s doing since it’s night and we are in Beacon Hills. Not that I’m afraid, of course not, I’m a brave young man, but still. It’s Beacon freaking Hills. We walk for about ten minutes and indeed we climb this hill that, I have to say, didn’t seem this high before. I’m actually struggling.

When we reach the top I can’t quite believe what I see. There’s a tent, and blankets, and pillows, and lanterns. It’s like I’m stuck in one of those Tumblr pictures. And from the top of the hill you can see all Beacon Hills. I look at Lydia and she’s smiling at me.

“What is this?”  
“It’s a picnic, Stilinski”  
“Yes, thank you very much. But what IS this?”  
“I wanted to do something for you. Is that okay with you or are you going to keep asking questions?”  
“Jesus Lydia, relax. I’m just surprised, that’s it.”  
“Okay, now sit down.”

We sit and she on the blankets and Lydia takes out a basket filled with food. There’s chicken nuggets, and curly fries and sandwiches and cheese. God, she really knows me. We start eating but everything is weird, we don’t speak, we just eat in silence and she looks tense. And I think that maybe tonight is the night, maybe she’s going to tell me that she loves me, maybe she did all of this to create the perfect atmosphere, but she’s not even looking at me!!! She’s eating her sandwich and she doesn’t talk to me!!

“Lydia, is everything okay?”  
“Yes”  
“It doesn’t seem that way, though”  
“I’m fine Stiles. Finish your food.”  
“COME ON LYDIA! What’s wrong?”  
“Would you just finish your sandwich, please?”  
“No! Tell me what’s going through your mind and then I will finish my sandwich”  
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE STILES. I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK. I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP SO THAT I CAN CHOOSE THE RIGHT FUCKING WORDS?”  
“Uh, okay. Sorry”  
“Thank you”

Okay so that must be it. She’s going to tell me that she loves me. I know this is the moment. This is it. And guess what, dear Diary. Exactly! I start to freak out. And I feel like I rushed her in some way, and I’m afraid that this is going to change everything. So for the following 10 minutes I have “oh my god, this is it. Oh my god this is it. Oh my god this is it” looping in my mind until FINALLY she clears her voice and starts talking. She looks at me. She comes closer to me. She smiles at me.

“Okay, Stiles. There’s this thing I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, now. Trust me, a long time. But I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. If I had to wait more, to be 100% sure. But then I thought that what the hell, this is what I feel and I don’t see why I should keep it from you. Since the person in question is actually you.”  
“I see...”  
“Please Stiles don’t talk until I’m finished”  
“Yes ma’am”

She smiles and we burst out laughing. I already feel tears forming in my eyes, and hers are extremely watery too. We’re more relaxed now, at least I am. She takes a deep breath and continues.

“This is not the first time I think I’m in love with someone. (WOW, NICE START LYDIA). I thought I was in love before, with Jackson. You already know the story. I thought he was the love of my life, that I was going to spend the rest of my days with him (OKAY LYDIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING???). But things turned out differently. When I was a little girl, I thought my parents loved each other. But we all know how that turned out,  too. This preamble is just to say that, in my life, I’ve always had the wrong idea of what love actually was. Until now.”

MY HEART SKIPPED A BIT.

“Stiles, I am in love with you. So much it hurts. I look at you every day, in class, on the lacrosse field, in the library, at home. I look at you and I think _god, I love him so much_. But I’m not brave, I’m not impulsive and this is why I’m telling this to you now and not a week ago.”

NOT BREATHING.

“Stiles, you see me for the person I really am and you have no idea how much that means to me. I’ve always been afraid that if I took off my mask, people would have stopped liking me. But that never happened with you. The moment you told me to stop pretending to be something I was not, and I actually decided to do it, I learned how to love myself. And it’s all thanks to you. You made me love myself, Stiles, and I couldn’t be more grateful.”

STILL NOT BREATHING.

“You are the first person I feel I can really trust. I would trust you with my life, Stiles. When I’m with you I feel safe and I feel at home. When we’re on the couch at night watching some stupid TV show and you laugh at the stupidest jokes – ”  
“HEY!”  
“Really, Stiles? You are interrupting me now?”  
“Yes, sorry, go on”  
“and you laugh at the stupidest jokes while you run your fingers through my hair, I look at you and I know that you are the only one I want to be with. And not just now, Stiles. You are the love of my life. My whole life. I want to be with you until I’m 90 and I’m not even kidding!”  
“What if we die like at 98?”  
“OH MY GOD STILINSKI I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME YOU WON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT LIVING UNTIL YOUR 98 YEARS OLD”  
“Come here.”  
“No, let me finish!”  
“You can finish while you’re here.”

She comes closer and puts her head on my shoulder. I hug her and run my fingers through her hair.

“I love you, Stiles. Please don’t ever leave me.”  
“Not gonna happen.”

She looks up and tears are streaming down her face. But she’s smiling her most beautiful smile and I feel like I could die right now and probably would be happy with it. She kisses me softly, her arms are around my neck, her legs on my legs, and she’s still crying and I think I’m crying too. We must look kind of pathetic from the outside but to be honest I couldn’t care less. We lay down on the blankets and cushions as we keep kissing.

“I love you too, Lydia. And THANK GOD you love me back because I was losing my mind to be honest.”  
“I know, Scott told me”  
“Damn you, Scott!”

We both laugh, and we kiss, and we end up making love in the tent (BY THE WAY, SEX IN PUBLIC PLACE: CHECK!). Everything is amazing. Lydia told me she loved me. Could I be more happy right now? I DON’T THINK SO!

So this is it, Diary. This is how Lydia Martin told Stiles Stilinski that she loved him. Pretty great, uh?

I’m sorry fellas, Lydia Martin is taken AND in love with me. Yeah, you heard me. She loves me. Very much. Yeah, you’re right. I _am_ the luckiest guy on the planet, I’m not gonna lie to you. She’s pretty great.

Talk to you tomorrow, my girlfriend (WHO LOVES ME) will be here in 5 minutes.

Stiles

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOO we are back with chapter 14! How did you guys like it? Let me know in the comments!  
> Also, I think next chapter will be the last one, so get ready for an emotional ending!  
> Love you and thank you for reading.  
> xxx  
> Giorgia


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